January 6th 2017 – “I thought I was set”

This year did not start how I expected or how anyone would want.
I thought I was set.
About to finish the best job I’ve done in my life, a job I’ve been part of for 2 years, with a well deserved 9 month rest in the middle! A job that taught me so much, about my craft, about myself and other people.
I was living in an area and house I’d grown to feel properly settled in for the first time since my childhood. Beautiful house we decorated together, with amazing views. Geese would fly in formation straight over our back garden on cue every day at the same time, like something out of a film, with the sun setting in the horizon giving them a canvas of yellows and oranges to fly across. Costa del Bexley.
This all wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for my amazing relationship, with a man I’d been with for 7 years. He is my world, my best friend, my biggest champion, my utter companion in life.

So why am I now sat here in cafè Nero like a bag lady? Bags at my feet packed with the few clothes I could squeeze in, on one percent battery after walking around London like a lost boy, waiting for a friend to come rescue me?

I’m not going into all the ins and outs, all the thoughts and feelings of the break up. Frankly that’s our business, and I’m not willing to share just yet. But as all this is flowing through my fingers on to my iPad keyboard it may turn up later on one of these pages. Not just yet.

I guess what I’m trying to do is bring together some kind of action plan…

How do you go from having everything on 31st Dec 2016, to nothing on 6th Jan 2017? Where do I start? Who do I turn to?
Thankfully the latter was easy, if there’s one thing to be grateful for when going through a break up its being overwhelmed by the amount of support you get from friends and family, offering their time, love, spare rooms. In one case a whole flat in Tower Bridge! The way my friends have gathered round me so far, put me on their shoulders and carried me is something I will never ever forget in my life.
Sometimes you can go through life and at times feel so lonely. It’s sad it takes something so heartbreaking to remember you are never alone. Ever. Friends from years ago that might have lost touch can and will become your crutch. Just takes you to reach for them to realise.

It’s unfair. Unfair that he’s had 3-4months of gathering together his thoughts and feelings (or lack thereof) and coming to a decision that’s been sprung on me. Over the phone (Oh so now the details slip out! Didn’t take long). Look, people find it hard to talk, bring up issues, communicate, and sometimes you just need to say it in a moment when you are miles away. I understand and can empathise. I find it hard to open up and pluck up the courage to talk about difficult issues. I just feel after 7 years it would be respectful to talk to me face to face.

Now I know he’s not here to tell his side of the story, so I’ll happily be Devils Advocate and say he did try to tell me face to face, but I didn’t understand the seriousness of it… I caused an argument. But I felt attacked, and got defensive. I’ll hold my hands up. Sorry.

But here I am, alone, with someone else’s decision with reasons I don’t agree with, and think can be worked on, but apparently can’t. The feeling has left him. He’s not going back on this. I’m left to go through all the emotions he’s had time to process, but also have to move out of his house and become jobless in the same week. FUCK MY LIFE!

Where do I start?
Well first things first… Run home to mother!
I have no idea if this is the right thing to do, but I don’t want to be a burden on anyone else, although the offers are there, there’s something stopping me. Maybe I want to save face? Make out I can deal with it? Not show my weakness? I don’t know. But I need to feel safe, and not surrounded by memories we built together, haunting me at night as I lay awake in bed thinking of all the things that’s been misconstrued and easily sorted had he just TALKED TO ME!

But I’m guilty of that too I suppose. There’s the DA again!

Run home to mummy – CHECK.

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