January 7th 2017 – “Scared of Monday Morning”

After an evening of tears and hugs from parents, including a panic attack, I actually managed to sleep quite well… Obviously I am exhausted. Lack of sleep, ugly crying and having not eaten since Tuesday really takes it out of you.
If nothing else a break up is great for dropping a few pounds!

I woke up at 6am as he popped into my dreams and reality hit. I’m here, in my childhood bedroom, alone. Thoughts where running through my head: where is he? Who’s he with? He got to prepare for this and then move straight on, and my life crumbles around me.

Reach for Facebook for distraction and weirdly I see some shared posts titled “advice from old people”, you know one of those BuzzFeed like lists of 10 good bits of advice. Everyone of them rang true. I even screenshot a few wanting to send them on to him to see if he related and saw himself somewhere in there. I didn’t, can’t bring myself to contact him.

Number one was: The most important person in your life is the person who agreed to share their life with you. Treat them as such.

I think this should ring true with both parties. Although we aren’t married, 7 years is a commitment, it is a shared life. We should both be giving the respect the other deserves. This hasn’t happened. He is the most important person in my life, I thought I was his, but it turns out not.

Skipping to number six: if you’re getting overwhelmed by life, just return to the immediate present moment and savour all that is beautiful and comforting. Take a deep breath, relax.

I MUST REMEMBER AND DO THIS!!
This bit of advice couldn’t have come at a better time. I’m so overwhelmed with what I’m meant to be doing with my life now, this is what’s causing the panic attacks. As much as I love Home, can I really go back to living there at 30 years old? I feel like I’m going backwards. I love my parents but after years of being independent and finding my style of living I just don’t know if I can do it. But then where else will I go? You never want to be a burden on friends who offer you a bed, but you’re not sure for how long.

Sorry I’m tired today and think I’m rambling. And repeating!

The next thing I saw on my Facebook feed was a video of Bernadette Peters (His absolute fave) singing ‘Losing my mind’. Yes of course I watched it. Yes of course I broke down. I’m doing that a lot lately. I wasn’t one to listen to music to feed my feelings but I’m listening to songs and things are jumping out at me that I’ve never heard before. It’s something he did a lot and I never got, but I’m getting it now. Trust me.

“The sun comes up,
I think about you.
The coffee cup,
I think about you. (I don’t drink coffee but… I get it!)
I want you so,
It’s like I’m losing my mind”

Every lyric I understand wholeheartedly now. Having never been in a relationship before and now leaving one 7 years down the line, I now know what heartbreak is.

“You said you loved me,
Or where you just being kind?
Or am I losing my mind?”

Hit me right between the eyes. Bullseye.
Her acting through that song is phenomenal.

My acting today won’t be.
I have two shows today. A show in which I’m on stage the whole two hours pretending to be a 10 year old, dealing with the loss of a male figure in his life, his father, but in my case my boyfriend. I did the show once, the day after he broke up with me, and cried three times on stage. The cast have been so supportive, they carried me through and I will never forget that. Two days past without any shows and now back for the last weekend.
Lots of waving goodbyes, and it’s all hitting home a little too much.

Not sure how I’ll do today. I’ll have to let you know later.

Later:

I did it. Got through the shows. All abit of a blur, but the emotions were running high at the end. It’s all about moving on, “we’re not needed there anymore”, so as you can imagine feelings rang true.
There is a moment I have off stage (one of the only moments off stage) I get before the last scene, with the actress who plays my sister. We’ve been through this job from the start. She’s a friend for life after this! Anyway, we got off stage, looked at each other and started tearing up. Both maybe for different reasons, but she said “how you feeling”, I replied “I’m scared”, she knew exactly how I felt. “Scared of Monday morning you mean?”. Yep. Scared of doing the last show tomorrow and waking up on Monday morning to nothing. Scared of not seeing the family I’ve made in this cast, sounds like a cliche, but it really is a family. Scared of not having a job. Not having a routine.
Everything I knew and loved about my life since 2014 will be gone Monday morning.

Return to old peoples advice number six IMMEDIATELY!
Breathe.
Relax.

I can’t be scared of being alone with no routine. I need to embrace it. Use the time to grieve. It’s worse when you are grieving someone who’s still alive, still contactable but you know you can’t, or shouldn’t. It’s a weird limbo. But staying strong and talking to friends when I feel like talking to him is my best option.
He’s messaged a couple of times, checking I’m ok and all that bullshit. I’ve not replied. You can either be used and still be there as a crutch for them and their guilt, or let them go and deal with what they’ve chosen.
He’s made his choice. It’s now none of my business. I need to let him go and do it, while I now focus my mind on me, and getting back on my own two feet. It will happen. It may take a long, long time, but it will happen. Believe.

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