January 8th 2017 – *Contains strong language*

6am start again, thanks to my over worked and tortured brain.
I’m exhausted. Feel weak. I know already it’s going to be an emotional day as it’s the closing show. “The final farewell” as they advertised it. Trying to stay in the moment and enjoy the last day with these wonderful people, but can’t help that feeling of being scared about Monday morning from flooding back.
There’s a party tonight, I’m abit worried about drinking to be honest… Weirdly I haven’t reached for alcohol once so far. I know he has. That’s how he deals with it, sits and thinks and drinks and cries… But never once communicates with me.

He text me yesterday, wishing me well for my final shows and telling me he wanted to say it now as today should be about the final show and enjoying it. Oh, and to feel free not to respond. Well how fucking gracious of you, thank you! Thank you, that’s finally given me peace of mind. Now I’ll be able to just enjoy my final show without going through hell.

NOT.

I’m starting to swing between that crushing feeling and anger. Guess which one I’m in at the moment. Why does he get to be in the wrong and be happy straight away?! And I have to deal with all this alone.

I haven’t responded, to any of his messages. I can’t speak to him yet. Not sure the want to speak to him will ever come. But to make himself feel better and aid his guilt, he messaged my Mum! FFS*.

As if she wants to hear your bullshit, and how sorry you are that you hurt her son, and how lovely my family have been to welcome him in and be understanding of his family situation. And especially wishing her a bright 2017!!!! Yeah. Happy new year you cunt. Cheers for that.
She wanted to respond. I told her not to.
I know what he’s doing… He’s not getting a response from me, so to get to me he will go through my Mum. Even a response from her would give him something. He wants to be hated, punished and made to feel bad so he can start to deal with his guilt. But if he gets absolutely no response he can’t. He can’t have closure. He can’t gage at all what is going on with me.

I wonder what his family think, or if they even know yet! I’ve not had a message from any of them which I’d find surprising if they did know.

Anyway, enough, must try and focus, get ready for what will be an amazing celebration. I’ll make sure of it. God help that free bar… It won’t know what’s hit it!

(*For Fuck Sake)

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