Back to reality.
Into the abyss.
Yesterday was one of the most emotional days I’ve ever had. I was dreading it. I was facing a mountain to climb in an extremely emotional state already. Saying goodbye to these people who I’ve known and worked with for two years is crushing. These people have shared in my life for two years, and of course they will stay in it, but not daily. The thought of not seeing them everyday worries me. In the two years I’ve done this job I’ve never felt closer to them all, than in this week. Confiding in them about what I’m going through (I wouldn’t have been able to hide it) has meant I’ve had the safest of places to go to. They have been there on and off stage, and have picked me up off the floor and kept me going.
Today, that safety net has been pulled. I won’t have that routine anymore. How on earth will I get through this? Now the real hard work starts. No job, I’ve lost my partner and best friend, and I need to think about packing up all my stuff to move out of his house.
I got through the last show yesterday, we all did. I’m speaking as if it only effected me… No, the whole cast played their final show, the whole cast where saying goodbye and going in to the Unknown. It was electrically charged with emotion all day. I was shaking on stage, but had to remember some advice given by the actress who plays my mother – “We aren’t saying these lines for the last time, we are still saying them for the first. Nothing changes. We are telling the same story”
She’s right. We are there to tell a story to an audience who are seeing it for the first time, we must not indulge it with ‘last time’ thoughts and our own emotions. I personally held it together until I ran off stage before the final scene, you know the one where I run off with my sister and we turn around and burst into tears. Yeah so that happened again. We hugged, and through tears I whispered “I love you”. Because I do. In that moment I felt it and wanted to say it. She’s my sister. Family. She out of everyone has been on my journey through my relationship.
Two years ago when we first met we spoke about marriage, and I explained it’s not something that crosses my mind. I haven’t felt the need. I’m committed to you and I’m here, I’ve never felt like I need a piece of paper to prove it. Then two years down the line We rejoin the cast, catching up on everything since we’ve last seen each other, we get on to the topic again. I told her I’ve changed my mind on the subject, I’ve seen how much it would mean to ‘G’ (I just realised I’ve refrained from using his name, I don’t wish to include names so we will call him G) and my happiness depends on his happiness. If he has always wanted to get married why should I stop him. The thought of him being unbelievably happy makes my heart swell, and if that’s because of something I can bring to him, then I want to.
Now, maybe I should have told him this. I know he’d never propose to me, as he thinks I don’t want it, so how amazing would it be if I surprised him. Can you imagine the look on his face, he’d cry for sure. In my head I wanted to keep it a secret so when the day came (whenever that may have been) he’d be totally taken back. I’m not saying I had it all planned out, but it’s been a seed in the back of my head left to grow until the time feels right.
But I should have conveyed this to him.
This is one of the reasons he used when he broke up with me… “Why after 7 years aren’t we married, have kids etc?” I told him everything I’ve just told you and he said I should have told him sooner. He’s obviously sat there and stewed over this so much that it’s become an issue for him, thinking that I never want to get married. I was just too late in coming to the realisation.
But then again… Why should I have to rush that realisation? Why can’t it take me 7 years to realise that I’d like to marry him? I know people who have got engaged after 12 years, and couples with children who have only just got engaged. This is what society has done… Made it the ‘Norm’ for people to date, move in, get married all within 2 years. WHY THE RUSH?? If you are planning on spending your life with this person then relax, take your time, go and explore the world together, go on adventures, grow together and most importantly talk to each other. Then come back and settle down.
I felt this deep anger when G said his new friends in the cast were asking how long we’d been together and when he replied 7 years, they said “why aren’t you married!?”
It’s bullshit. Why do we have to be? Why can’t we live our lives. Look, I’m here after 7 years!!! What more commitment and reassurance do you need? And what fucking business is it of yours? Just because you got engaged at 25 after 3 years or whatever. This is OUR relationship. Every relationship is different.
It makes me angry because this tainted G’s thoughts. He used this questioning from people to question our relationship and me. It’s heartbreaking that he’s spoken to everyone else about things but not to me. Not to his partner of 7 years. His best friend. I don’t think he has ever truly opened up to anyone in his life before, not fully.
Ah, there’s the rub!
Sorry. I went off on abit of a tangent there. But when the thoughts come to my head I just need to get them out. This is really therapeutic in a weird way. Even though no one is reading it. Yet.
We finish the show, through our tears, and the sudden rush of terror comes over me. I start to feel that emotion in my throat, you know that feeling when it rises and you have that tug of war to keep it down. I start to break down back stage while we wait for a company photo to be taken (Can’t wait to see that one, what a fucking mess!). I just explain that the scared feeling I’ve told you about before has come back, and everyone starts to talk me down from that ledge. Reminding me, although we won’t see each other everyday, they are here for me. As well as my other amazing friends, and family. And that jobs will come, and everything, in time, will be fine.
We head to the party, everyone hugging, congratulating and drinking. I’m trying the best I can in keeping a brave face in front of producers and directors and my agents assistant who finally decided to come (that’s a different story!) but all I feel like doing is crying. So I hit the bar.
I still haven’t eaten much since last Tuesday, so the two free glasses of shit white wine hit me quickly. It was comforting. I felt relaxed, and taken away momentarily from the massive boyfriend shaped hole in my life. And I became a little more confident. I shouldn’t be ashamed of what he’s done. I should feel free to talk and tell people. Let people know I’m in a shit time in my life. Getting it out is good, and different people’s advice, support and attitudes really help.
I must just say… Mine and G’s housemates, came to my last show. I was overwhelmed they came to support me. And the loved the show. One of them is currently also on the job with G in Leeds and knows everything, we got an uber home together, (I thought we were going to die, the driver was freaky and also shit. He took us round the same block twice… Needless to say he got two stars) But it was nice to speak to my housemate about it. She’s in a difficult position as she’s dance captain and has a job to maintain, which I understand. Just comforting to talk to someone within mine and G’s world. So I returned to the house, first time I’ve been back. It’s strangely nice to be back, I was apprehensive at first about returning but there’s comforting familiarities that relaxed me. I felt like I belong here. But it’s a double edge sword, as I see the pictures of us in frames, and memories of us pop up in areas of the house. Bittersweet.
I woke up at 6am again, think this might be a regular thing now, feeling ill. I can’t decipher if it’s my feelings or the shit wine, but my stomach is turning. I’m not sure what I’m going to do today, I have no plan. Do I start to pack? Do I just leave again and come back another time when I’m more prepared emotionally? Or just sit here, looking out the back doors at the view “… And the unchanging changefulness of cloud and sky”.
I met my best friend today for the first time since it happened, he’d been away. We talked over everything, he read all the messages. He’s angry for me. I’ve never needed him so much than during this week. When we first met he was going through a break up, they lived together too so he’s been here, where I am, and come out the other side. He’s now in a brilliant relationship, with a guy I love, and I knew he’d find him. So why can’t I see the same for myself?
It’s only been a WEEK! But feels like longer. It’s still all so fresh and I’m going through all these different stages, I’m tired but can’t sleep. That’s the worst. I can talk all day long and distract myself but at the end of the day, when I’m in that bed alone, I’m kept awake at night with the thoughts of him and the other guy!
You might have guessed there was something else to it. I feel like I’ve explained the story so many times, I’m tired of talking about it. I’m exhausted. But it’s better out than in.
He broke up with me over the phone on Tuesday night, said that was it, he’s lost the feeling and that I pretty much pushed him away (I don’t understand how), but giving me reasons that made me feel shit about myself. It really was a character assassination. Saying I can be cold. Never show him affection. Never make him feel special.
In 7 years I know I’ve made him feel special. I know it. But he has time to sit and think of preconceived ideas of what I’ll do, and how I’ll act. Then if he’s proven right he uses it against me. Yes, I’ll admit myself, I might not be the most affectionate person, but I haven’t just become less affectionate. I’ve aways been like this. He said I didn’t jump him when he walked in the door… But he didn’t jump me. He said I pulled away after we kisses… Because you were forcing it so much (almost like a test!) I couldn’t breath.
But hey… Did you notice I had cleaned the house, set up candles everywhere and our light box that said ‘Happy New Year’, with a bottle of prosecco and two glasses beside it? No you didn’t.
That’s how I show affection. What about when I got you Harry Potter tickets (which was sold out!) and a handmade card and you cried when you opened it? Or the time I hand wrote letters to Quentin Blake to ask for a first night gift and he replied with an original drawing of you as your character, so I framed it and gave it to you on opening night! Or the birthday card I made from chocolates (Picture below). Does this not show you I love you. After 7 years things in relationships can peter out, it’s natural, but doesn’t mean I don’t love you.
Just TALK TO ME!! Then we can work through things.
Anyway, after him making me feel really bad about myself and doubting my ability to make him feel loved, I traveled up to see him on the Thursday. (I had a show I couldn’t get out of on the Wednesday and an audition Thursday morning. Great timing). I went up and messaged him saying I’m here if you want to see me. Not here to argue, don’t even have to chat. I want to make sure you are ok and give you a hug. If this isn’t a gesture of how much I love you and want it to work out then I’m not sure what is.
We saw each other for an hour inbetween his shows. We talked. He said everything he said before, and having time to think I could be completely honest and explain somethings, that maybe I should have explained a long time ago.
I even asked him if there was someone else on the job? Any connections he’s made, that might have worried him or made him feel different about our relationship. He said no. He said of course he has made friendships and connections and seen other couples and realised what we are missing. Why are you comparing us to other couples!?
He sent me away, saying there’s nothing we can do to fix it. He’s lost the feeling. I got back on the train and 4 hours later I was back home. Devastated. Sitting on the sofa zoned out watching Celebrity Big Brother.
I get a friendship request on Facebook from a random guy. I accepted to see who it was, and received a message… Saying he was the husband of the lead in G’s show, and that G and the lead (We’ll call him ‘S’) have been having a affair for months. I was shook!!! So shocked. I was shaking.
This poor American guy was in a London hotel on his own after also being sent away by his husband. I asked him to call me so I could get the details. He said it had been going on since early December, he had found messages on S’s phone from G talking about everything… Sexual things, things they had done, times they would meet, things about our respective relationships. I got the facts and hung up.
Weirdly I was so calm. I paused CBB and called G. He answered:
“I’ve been talking to a S’s husband”
That’s all he said. Like he shrugged it off! He couldn’t deny it.
I stayed calm and questioned him. He got defensive. He didn’t know what it was but they had feelings for each other. But he’s American and married. What happens when he goes back to America? He couldn’t answer. So, what, you’re in love? “YEAH, YEAH WE ARE ALRIGHT!”
I had to hang up. I can’t believe he could be so horrible and cruel. He was caught red handed and couldn’t deal with it, got so defensive.
Im not even bothered about him shagging someone else, it hurts but that’s physical. It’s the lying to my face. All I’ve ever asked for was the truth. WHY DID HE LIE!!!? And the fact that both of them have invested feelings. They have spoken about our relationships and deconstructed them without talking to us. They egged each other on, pushed each other into breaking things off. What they have done is formed a trauma bond. Bonded over something they are going though together, mix that we obvious sexual attraction and they have come to this conclusion.
It all makes sense. He has covered up his guilt by forming reasons as to why I haven’t given him affection and made him feel special. That S has made him feel special in the first few months of knowing each other…. OF COURSE HE HAS, ITS NEW AND EXCITING! That’s what fucking happens, it’s infatuation and sexual tension. Things that dip in a 7 year relationship. Don’t you think I want some excitement? Don’t you think my head has been turned, but in life you have choices. Communicate with me. Then we can assess what’s going on and why.
But no he fucking jumped him.
I need to stop there. This is getting too much again. I need to distract myself. Sorry.
(Once again, if you wish to join me from the start then scroll down to January 6th to see each diary entry)