January 10th 2017 – Back to the bar, but sadly to serve

I’m so exhausted of waking up at 6am everyday, when will this stop!

I stayed in bed and tried to sleep some more. Thoughts and feelings flooding my mind. Every time I tried to calm them down, clear my mind, start to fall asleep, something would pop back up.

I keep thinking why does he get to go through this with someone, share his feelings and get comforted, and I have to deal with it all alone!

I got up, got dressed and went to the gym. I haven’t been since before Christmas as my shows went up to two shows a day everyday, there’s no way I can do all that and then go to the gym. I enjoyed it, it was nice to focus on something, but towards the end something weird happened, and I started getting shaky and upset. I don’t know if it was the music on shuffle that I had to change at every song because relatable lyrics kept streaming into my ears. Or maybe the adrenalin. Or the thought that this gym is such a part of my life, my routine here, and that it might be the last time I ever use it. I actually had to leave half way through my dip sets… It’s ok I’m shit at them anyway!

On the walk home I had the odd tear stream down my cheek, but held it together until I walked in the door and then completely broke down on edge of the sofa. I just cried and cried. Catching my breath when I could. A proper silent scream ugly cry. I felt so much pain. I know this won’t be the last time it happens, it just took me by surprise. By day I’ve been alright, quite level headed, writing in here, talking to friends. Then at night alone usually get upset and cry. Just shows you how much I like a routine, but my fucking feelings won’t even abide to it!

A friend came round to pick me up. She took me to hers and we sat round with her husband and gorgeous baby girl and chatted everything through. She’d heard small bits from G but I filled her in on my side. I have no doubt G will fill everyone in on how he truly feels, but until he’s away from that bubble and clears his head I’m not sure he even knows.

Talking things through was great, they understood what I was saying and completely related to and got where I was coming from as it seems I mirror the husband in their relationship. Not very forthcoming with feelings and affection, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her. Difference is she will bring it up to him, and argue with him about it and then both of them talk and move forward together on the subject. Ultimately you fall in love with the person you fall in love with, you should be able to bring up issues and help each other in bringing about the desired outcome. Not start an affair first and then bring it up!

I had my first shift back at my old workplace in the evening. They’ve been brilliant, I owe them so much. I basically told them everything and asked for any shifts they could spare me to keep me distracted. I didn’t think it would be many as they only have a week left of the current show, but they gave me EVERY shift this week.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I’m on bar, which I’ve never done before, so I had five mins to learn the tills and then the audience came in. It was fine. Luckily I had a very good friend on the till next to me, he kept me company and kept me talking. I was on the quiet end of the bar for my first shift, which meant nothing to me as I still panicked and smashed a glass with a double gin in it… What a WASTE!!

I really needed that.

Thing with bar is, you are actually working for most of the shift, setting up interval drinks, cleaning down etc. FoH (Front of House) you have time to stand and think, sit in and zone out while watching the show for the one hundredth time. So this was a welcome distraction for me.
I met my housemate, soon to be ex housemate (sobs), on the train home and we walked from the station together. He’s been lovely. Really there for me and protective. An absolute pillar of strength. Like a big brother to me. I don’t think he’ll ever know how much that means to me.

I pretty much head straight to bed.

I’ve still not eaten much, I think my stomach has shrunk, so I’m lacking energy. I still have that constant sick feeling sitting in the depths of me, deep routed. I pray this fades soon.

Please let me sleep past 6am.


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