January 11th 2017 – Be The Change

6am.

Cheers. Great. Thanks!
I actually managed to fall back to sleep, for half an hour. Baby steps.
I lay awake again… And I know I know I should get up and do something but if I get up its just such a long day to fill. I’m not sure I can do it.

I received a message from his sister in law last night, I didn’t reply as I don’t know what to say. She said both her and his brother were gutted for me, and can’t imagine what I’m going through, and offered their support. I decided, since I’m up so early and have time, to reply. I just said that I was heartbroken to find out about the other guy, and I feel lost. But thanked them for welcoming me into their family, that I’ll miss them all so much, and to look after Alfie (their boy) that he’s a beautiful boy and they are doing a marvellous job raising him.
I started to cry. I loved being part of a bigger family, I don’t have kids in my family, so to have a nephew was amazing. I love playing with him and bonding over Pokemon. I’ll miss being called ‘London J’, and even ‘Uncle J’ at times. Just so sad to lose a branch of a family tree.

I finally get up about 8ish. Decide to go to the gym, but really feel I should eat, so I forced down one slice of toast and a scrambled egg. I speak to my housemate who asks what my plan is. Not for the day but for the near future.
I don’t know.
I’m really not sure.
I start to think and express I’d like to get into dressing backstage. Similar hours, bit more pay. Could be doable. We bounced back and forth people we knew in that world, he made a phone call and left a message. I started messaging everyone I could think of, people who were extremely understanding of my situation and gave me great contacts and suggestions. I felt for the first time proactive. Doing something. Thinking that something is actually reachable. I used this and it carried me to the gym.

Another work out done.

Back to the house where I then sat and drafted an email to a new agent who had offered me representation.

Sent.

Well everything else in my life is changing, I might as well do it all at once. Fuck it.
Don’t be scared of the change, be the change.

Control it.

I then started researching gyms in the centre of town that would be around the same price, that’s hard to find as I pay £19.99 a month. But I use to go to one in Southwark for that price. I looked it up and there were actually three in that area around the same price. My thinking if I’m coming into London from home, I can get a straight train to Blackfriars, then I’m basically on the door step to the gym.

I’m planning.

I’m actually looking into the future and imagining it, creating a new routine for myself.
This is one small step, and I’m sure I’ll fall back a few steps, but I had a burst of proactive positivity. It was nice.

Second shift at work tonight to distract me more. It was ok, I was actually FoH but I didn’t have to watch the show, so I sat and chatted to my mates. Each of them so understanding, and happy to chat shit about anything else. I found myself become quite tired towards the end… I’m just so so exhausted from not sleeping. I LOVE to sleep, so this is extremely frustrating to me. I need to learn to quiet my mind when I settle down at night, but to be honest it’s not so much falling asleep, it’s waking up early. It’s my subconscious waking me up, bringing thoughts of them together, creeping in to my dreams. What can I do?

It’s effecting me and my positive turn.

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