I actually write this from January 13th. That’s the first day I haven’t written in here at all since it happened. I must have distracted myself very well!
You can guess what time I woke up… I can’t be arsed to keep telling you. In fact lets just take it as given until I tell you I haven’t woken up at 6am!
My first double shift day, so I was surrounded by people all day. Which is good because I woke up feeling low. I just miss him so much. So much it hurts. I can’t describe this pain, I’m not sure anyone can put it in to words (Maybe Adele!). Just a feeling of being lost, left in the dark to wander about. So empty no matter how much you distract yourself you can’t fill this hole. I think about him EVERY MINUTE. He is constantly with me. Which in a sad way is comforting.
Two shifts on bar. Now I have to tell you… Yesterday, as I told you, I accepted new representation, so today I actually need to tell my current agent. Something I’m really nervous to do. I mean, I have to do it now as I’ve accepted so there’s no choice. But I’m scared how they will react.
I shouldn’t be, because for all of my two years in and out of the show I just finished playing the lead not once did my agent come to see me in it! NOT. ONCE.
They sent a hungover assistant to my final show. 👌🏼
I’ve been with them for 8 years, since I graduated from Drama School. So this is massive for me. But I’ve wanted to change for probably… Erm I don’t know… 7 of those years!
I just don’t get him, I get the feeling he doesn’t want to be an agent, just fell into it. Plus I think he’s abit socially inept. It’s just really awks.
So, I drafted my email and sent it to friends and family to check… They seemed to think it was perfect and couldn’t say much more. Here it is: (I’ve left out names and addresses)
I could have said a lot worse.
I was just starting my shift and talking it through with colleagues. Basically I was procrastinating and they said SEND IT. So I did. Done. Now wait to hear what lovely reply he comes back with. P
Two hours later:
What a TWAT!!!
Passive aggressive cunt.
After those kind words I sent to him, and after sitting on me for two years of a high paid job and taking money off me for doing NOTHING!! That’s all he says!?
That’s confirmation right there that I’ve done the what’s for the best.
Onwards and upwards.
See this is the sort of thing I want to run and share with G. We’ve been wanting me to change agents for ages, and now I’ve done it I can’t tell him. It hurts. I want to tell him everything. Would he even care though?
Two long shifts on the bar keeping me busy.
I had an argument with a customer who complained about waiting too long to be served. I’m NOT in the mood, don’t fucking come for me bitch. I shot her down, calmly. She got erratic. It ended with me shouting “ITS PANTO madam, WE ARE IN PANTO LAND, it’s meant to be fun, CALM DOWN!”
Customers around me congratulated me with how I dealt with the situation.
Don’t cross a bitch who’s recently been scorned… You won’t win.
Most of my mates work FoH, so my breaks are different to them. So I ate lunch in the end cubicle of the upper circle loos.
JOKE. As if. Can you imagine. I’m not that fucking heartbroken and lonely.
No, I went and sat with the manager of the box office. I love him, he is one of the kindest most generous people I have ever met. Filled with story’s and antidotes from his fabulous life. And the most sound advice.
Asks me once how I’m feeling. I tell him. Gives his advice and then we move on. He distracts. Or just lets me sit and watch what’s going on around me. He’s just the best company at work.
Can I just say the show is Cinderella. I’ve popped in a watched some bits. Paul O’grady and Julian Clary are hysterical. Their scenes together had me crying with laughter, which makes a nice change recently. Thank you!
We had a BYOB night after work at the pally. I was only going to stay for one, get the last train. Cut to for cans of Cosmo later dancing round with some of my faves to Little Mix ‘shout out to my ex’. Too soon? Fuck it. It was a good release. Plus I loved that song before all this shit.
We decide to move on, I’ve missed my last train so uber it will be. Of all places we end up in freedom. Me and my mate, we call him gorge.
We ended up outside chatting with Paul O’grady and the ugly sisters. All of them a dream. As expected. It was a lovely night.
I worried about being in freedom and seeing anyone I might know, or G might know. Having to have that awkward convo when they ask after G.
Don’t get me wrong, I’d tell them, I don’t have anything to be ashamed of. But when you are doing all you can to forget, the last thing you want is the never ending line of people who don’t know, and casually ask after him.
Uber home, shared with Gorge. I fell asleep the whole way. I never do that. Shows you how tired I am. Didn’t eat. Got in at 4:45am. It was FREEZING. I got into my full on tracksuit and got in to bed… I’ve never known my teeth to chatter so much uncontrollably. Lulled to sleep by the sound of chattering teeth. I’ve heard somewhere that shivering is great to lose weight, because your body is working overtime to warm you up… Fingers crossed I wake up ripped.