January 13th 2017 – Friday 13th

Woke up. Not ripped. Friday the 13th, unlucky for some!

Thought I’d be more hanging than I am. I’m surprised I’m not dry retching. Find myself cocooned in my tracksuit and duvet. Felt so protected from the cold frosty world. Wish I could stay here forever.

I get up and chill out in the sofa, I have nowhere to rush to today. Meeting friends later for lunch and was going to head to the gym before, but it’s actually snowed. So fuck that. Made a big breakfast and food for the next couple of days at work.
My housemate has left to housesit for a friend this weekend, so we said goodbye and maybe it was the slightly hungover state I was in, or being alone in the house, or that I let hot oil drip on to my bare foot but I started crying. On the kitchen floor. Holding my burnt foot. I just cried and cried again.
I think I even said “I miss him so much” out loud as if the kitchen could hear me. I picked myself off the floor and carried on making my food. It’s all so unfair. I’m starting to be lost for words about it. I just have to deal with it now. It’s happened. No taking it back.

One thing I’m angry about when he was breaking up with me on the phone was, he said, “you still treat me like the 25 year old when we met, I’m not that guy anymore. I’ve changed. But you still have a wall up”
We broke up early on in the relationship over messages I found on his phone. We worked through it and carried on. I admit maybe I’m clinging on to a wall… But it’s not a Trump Mexico Wall! It’s a little lego wall. One you can just step over, but we all know that feeling of standing on Lego bricks when you don’t see them.
I told him I don’t think I do treat him like the 25 year old, I know he has changed and wouldn’t do anything like that now.
This is what makes me angry… He says all this KNOWING he’s having an affair. KNOWING he is still that 25 year old. Actually, I don’t think he even knows he’s still the same guy. He thinks he’s changed.
How can those words come out of your mouth, knowing that you’ve actually done worse than when you were 25. Unbelievable really. He’s deluded.

I get ready and leave to meet my friends from drama school. One who I’ve seen since and knows the details, and three others. I use to live with One for them for 5 years, so she knows me and G, we’ve spoken about elements of the relationship before. She knows how I feel.
So I take them through the whole story. They can’t believe it. They say everything everyone else has said. There’s not much more I can discuss now, all I have left is me, and my plan for the future. I can’t go on what ifs. What if G comes running back? Well for all I know he’s fallen for this Sam and making a go if things, so I can’t focus on that. All I have is me, myself and I right now.

I wish them well. Part of me does. I’ll never accept it, but it’s what he has chosen, so I hope it works out for them both. Because to be honest, I’ll be more angry and hurt if it doesn’t work out and he has wasted our 7 years for a bubble romance. That would be fucking shit. Karma. (I’m sure I’ll change my mind on wishing them well… I really haven’t hit that angry stage yet, have I?)

Anyway… Once all that shit is out of the way we start to plan.
Two of them are going to be in LA for all of February, and me and the others have decided to go out there too!! I need this. I need to do something for myself. I need to be selfish, spend some of the money I have earned, and get away with amazing people. Especially while I have no job, or place to live.
We are thinking of going for 10 days, finding an AirBnB to share. But then I thought, I have a best mate from school living and working in LA, plus a friend who just moved to Vegas, it would be stupid not to go and stay with her for a couple of nights, it’s only an hour flight.
So I’ve decided to go out early on my own. Fly to LA, crash a night with the girls, then fly to Vegas for two nights, then back to LA to stay in Venice beach. Then the others will arrive and we will go stay in Sliverlake for the 10days. I’m excited, I never thought I’d feel like this again. Plus we would be there over the Oscars.

Fuck it! I’m doing it, and I can’t wait.


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