January 14th 2017 – The “I’m so sorry” head tilt.

I woke up at 7:45, then got back to sleep and woke with my alarm at 10am!

It’s a break-up miracle. Thank you!!

Last night at work I served two friends who live in our area. I say friends, we met them on the last train home one night and ever since we have been trying to meet up but never finding the time. They asked after G, his show, said we should all meet up to have drinks once he is back.
I was knocked sideways abit. I was at work behind a busy bar, I couldn’t exactly tell them everything. Plus, really, we don’t know each other. I will have to let them know to save embarrassment or another awks situation, but I’m scared this is now going to be a regular thing for quite some time.
It’s weird, you begin to accept it, try and move on, (well, I mean pick yourself up everyday and get on track) and then you’ll bump into someone who knows nothing. You have to go back to square one and explain. Then get the ‘I’m so sorry’ head tilt, the ‘that’s so shit’ hug, or the “I can’t imagine what you’re going through” head shake.

Yes. Yes it is.

Today was two shows, I was on a different bar. I’m not sure if that’s because I’m shit, or they feel I need more distraction. But it was fine. Got through it. In my break I kept busy by printing off cover letters and cvs in the box office, and then popping out to theatres to drop them off to heads of wardrobe. As of Monday I’m jobless. I need to find something soon!
We had drinks put on after the show by the producers. I actually didn’t even enter the bar, I sat in the box office with the manager and welcomed people in who were getting bored of the main party. I keep saying it, but I love the Box Office Manager. What an amazing generous man. There is huge huge love for him in that building, and the west end. I’m not sure what I’d do without him this week. That box office has been my safe space. We stayed until half one, when we were chucked out by our own people. I got an uber home with mates.

We drop them off, and I have 20mins more till I get to mine.
There’s a part of me thinking that G might be there when I get back. I know he gets Sunday and Monday’s off, and he’s driven down after his Saturday shows and got in late. I’m not sure why he would want to come down. I guess I’m hoping he is wondering what I’m up to? That he wants to still see and speak to me? Or he wants to check I’m out of the house.
But then I think, no, he’ll stay in Leeds, as this might be his last weekend with S before he goes back to America at the end of this part of the tour. G will want to spend as much time with him as possible. As much as it pains me so much, I think that’s what is happening.
I was meant to be up there today, seeing the show, then spending the weekend with his family. I hope he still goes to his family. Alone. But I think he’ll be with him. They’ve got what they wanted, they get to be together and not care what’s going on outside the bubble.
G’s friends I’ve spoken to have said they’ve hardly spoken to him. Seems like he’s avoiding connections with his old life until he has too.

I get back, he’s not there.
Of course he isn’t.
But part of me can’t help feeling a bit sad.


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