January 15th 2017 – Starting tomorrow shit gets real!

Last shifts of Panto today. Starting tomorrow shit gets real, no job, and I have to move out by Saturday at the latest. This is where it’s going to hit me, and going to hurt.

My heart has been in the throat all day.
That’s the only way I can explain how I feel, it’s been stuck in my throat, beating it’s way out, but I’m trying as hard as I can to swallow it. I’ve managed to distract myself this week and try to follow a normal routine but I’m on edge today as I know this is about to stop. I’m so thankful I’ve been able to dive into work and surround myself with familiar scenes and faces, it’s felt like the longest week ever, but also the quickest.
I don’t want to wake up tomorrow.
I’m scared.
But I will wake up. Please don’t think this is a cry for help and I’m thinking of ending it all, I’m not. I just don’t want to wake up to nothing. All that is facing me next week is the daunting thought of moving out, and then at the end of the week G returns.
So many thoughts are going through my head… What if he doesn’t return? What if he’s decided to go over to America with S? Or stay in Leeds with him? Or even worse has brought him back? God my heart is breaking.
I seriously miss him. Today is the first day I’ve picked up the phone to talk to him, but I didn’t know what to say. I have this image in my head that whatever I tell him (that I miss him like crazy, that I love him so much, that it kills me thinking he has moved on and is happy with someone else that has caused pain to two innocent partners) he will run back to S and they will be sitting there laughing. It’s stupid I know. It stops me from talking to him. I’d rather wait until he is back in London, away from him, so that he can think clearly, listen to what I have to say and then take the time to process it. Without S’s input.
I hope S goes back to America and works it out with his husband. And leaves G all alone. The fact is, I’d be even more angry if that happened. If it all went to waste.

Double edge sword. Damned if it does, damned if it don’t.

I got to then end of my shift, and found my two mates in the function room to say goodbye… I burst into tears. I’m so scared to leave all these friends that have understood, helped and supported me. They said everything will be fine, and to take some time for me this week, it will be a positive new start.

But it’s a new start I don’t want! A new start that’s been forced a upon me. I don’t want it, it’s faulty, take it back.

Honestly I don’t think I’ve ever been this emotional. Not on my own, not in front of other people. I’m so surprised how much I can’t control my emotions. They are just there, waiting for a weak moment to burst out of me like an over filled water balloon.

But maybe they are right… I need to take this week, have some me time. Stay in bed, curl up under the duvet, really indulge my emotions. I’ve put it off, but maybe it’s needed. Maybe I’ll give myself a day or two and see how it goes. I wish I could find future me and be told everything will be alright, you’ll look back and thank god you went through all this. It will make me stronger. I hope.

Got a message from a mate saying her friend saw the G’s show and loved it. Although they thought S was a very bad actor with a weird voice. Said he should be re-cast for sure if it comes into the west end. I hope so.
I know I’m bitter but he is bad, even G said so. And the reviews.
If you want people to get involved in a show you NEED them to be able to connect to the characters on stage… You can’t connect to bad acting. It stops an audience investing in it.

I saw my housemate before I went to bed. We were talking, he said that his girlfriend, (in on the job with G) said people in the company now know. Apparently people are disgusted with G for being a predator, and picking on young weak S.
Now part of me who knows G can see this as true. But… It takes two to tango.
S is as much to blame. People should be disgusted with him too.

my housemate has been so brilliant to me. Even he expressed a fear that G will bring S back to the house this weekend. My stomach dropped at the thought.
Surely he wouldn’t. Surely he has more respect for me than that. But I don’t know. He’s only messaged me once. He can’t be thinking about me that much. He’s probably living it up with S for as long as he can.

This makes me feel sick. I’m sorry. I need to stop again.

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