January 16th 2017 – “They should just do it without me asking!”

I’m desperate to talk to him today. DESPERATE. I miss him so fucking much. I have no idea what I would say but I just need contact. Even just to tell him I have nothing to say but needed to hear his voice. Even to tell him about my day. I’ve spoken to him everyday for 7 years. That’s 2,555 days. I just had to do that on my calculator, obviously.
How can you just go cold turkey on someone. I’ve done it so far, and want to remain strong, but I just want to touch him. Kiss him. Tell him I love him.

Does he want to do the same?
Do you think he really has fallen out of love with me, and fallen in love with S? Or has the Leeds bubble clouded his head? Has he forgotten what we had? Yes, he might want more affection but that is so easily fixed. If it’s a choice of breaking up with the person I love and want to be with forever, or giving him more affection, then I know what I need to do.

And no matter what he thinks, that wouldn’t be forced affection. It wouldn’t be fake. I can do it. And I’ll mean it. But for some reason he uses the excuse that it’s not naturally me to be like that. But I didn’t realise how much he NEEDS it. How much he depends on it. He’s never ever expressed it to me, I’m not a mind reader. Relationships, especially one this long, is about give and take. Compromising.
Compromising isn’t a bad word. I feel if I said that to him he would think it is. He would say “you shouldn’t have to compromise, you should want to be affectionate”.
I do want to be affectionate, the feeling is there, I’m just not very forthcoming with it. But, I can and will make an effort too do so, if that’s what you want and need from me. Because I love you. I want you to be happy. I’d do anything.

We are way way past the honeymoon period now, it’s not going to happen all the time.
It took us 5 years to move in together. I didn’t see the rush, he wanted it pretty much straight away, but we had a great set up, I lived in zone one, in a flat which my housemate was pretty much absent a lot, and then what we called the country house… G’s place out of the centre. We would spend days off there together, a home.
We’ve only lived together for just over a year. What is it about, when people say “it all changes after you move in together”? Something must be true in that. I love living with him. We live so so well together. Maybe I chilled out abit, because I felt happy and secure and aiming in the right direction finally. But maybe G felt weird? Or maybe he craved excitement? Well I guess that’s true. But so do I. But I haven’t gone and had an affair.
Why does it change!? I get people don’t know the person till they really live together, but me and G lived so well together. It’s not that. Then what? That’s the only thing I can think of…
I felt so secure and happy that maybe I relaxed too much and stopped vocalising it, I was letting it go as a given that I was happy, and in love. Whereas G saw my silence as unhappiness. Misconstrued my silence, or things I did as a sign things were wrong. Not the case at all.
He should have spoken up.
He should always speak up straight away if something is wrong.
But I know G, he doesn’t until it’s really affecting him. He won’t tell his family he wants/needs more help with his mum,

“They should just do it without me asking!”.

THAT.
THAT sums G up all over. He expects too much from people without telling them.
He does so much for everyone, his mum, his friends and I think because it’s natural for him to do that he expects people to be the same. They aren’t. Everyone is different.
A bit like me not needing to hear “I love you”, “you look so handsome”
But I can’t tell him that… He doesn’t listen to me. He never has. I don’t think he’s ever once taken one of my points onboard, I think he sits and listens to me, but sees it as shit advice and dismisses it because I don’t know the facts, because I don’t understand everything that’s going on or what he’s feeling. I actually see the “shut up that’s shit advice” look he has on his face. As if I’m a child. He’s never let me in. There’s only so much I can do before I stop trying to help, and I just sit there and say the generic things like “it will be ok”, “stay positive” etc. Which then come across as if I’m not bothered.

(FUCK…. Just had a nightmare. On train writing this and got on the wrong fucking train. Went all the way to woolwich. Had to jump off and come back along to change at another station.
Got on train and then checked my bag… My iPad had gone!! I swear I put it in my bag. My heart is beating so fast. This is my second iPad. I lost my first (gift from G) on a plane. Search my bag again. It had slipped into the laptop sleeve in my bag. Right at the bottom. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!)

I feel like I want G to read all this, but I think he’ll dismiss it. It’s too long now. I’m not sure he’s that interested in how much he’s hurt me. He wants to relieve his guilt, and get on with his life.
So do I.

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