January 17th 2017 -“I’m waiting for something bad to happen” The Self Saboteur.

Today I remembered something G said a while go which struck a cord with me.

He said he was feeling on edge because for once he has nothing to worry about. Everything was on track. He had his home, his college, me, his friends, his mum was standing on her own two feet. Things were going smoothly. But he said “For how long? I’m waiting for something bad to happen”.
I think he’s sabotaged himself. I don’t think he can settle down, relax knowing everything is good. He needs things to fix in his life. His mum was a something he could focus on for a long time, but she’s getting better, thank god. So now with nothing to fix I think he has subconsciously created a problem, he’s found a project… Someone else to “fix” (S) and subsequently created a bump in the road in his life. He might not see this in himself, but I think this is absolutely true. Everything was great, he actually said the words “I’m waiting for something bad to happen”, welcoming negativity into his life. And now he has created his own drama. This isn’t just a coincidence, he’s done this, he’s created a problem for himself to deal with.

The Law of Attraction: what you think and put out to the universe will manifest. If you think negative thoughts you will attract negativity into your life. He has done exactly this, starting before he left to do this job away.

Why can’t he let himself be happy? And drama free?
I think he needs to feel needed, wanted, a purpose in someone’s life.
Him mum is getting better and I don’t need fixing, so he’s found someone else, someone young, weak, and vulnerable that he can “fix” and make his project.
I’m so sad. Sad he can’t see it. Sad he can’t let himself be happy.

I’ve just broken down.
It’s 6:27 in the evening. I’ve again spent most of the day dropping cvs off for jobs, and met a friend for coffee. I took him through the whole thing and he thought exactly the same as everyone else. We can’t all be wrong can we? Or are they lying to me, actually see his point of view but not telling me.
I get the train home and walking from the station to home I start to cry again.
It’s the injustice of it all.
I get hurt and have to go back to square one. Literally back to square one… Living at home with my parents, and no job! Plus I’ve lost my best friend in the whole wide world.
He gets the house, friends, a constant job to take his mind off things.
I’m crying my eyes out, but there’s no shame in it.

It’s a fucking massive change coming my way.

My dad booked a van today, for Thursday. That gives me tomorrow to sort my stuff out, get everything in to boxes etc. We got a van because I have a couple of big items… My grandmothers dining table and her otterman. Apart from that we can fit everything in a car. I think it’s the thought of doing all this alone. I want to share my whole life with him, everything. And it hurts so much that he doesn’t want to with me. He has absolutely destroyed me.

I don’t want to be a single, homeless, front of house usher, on low pay who just scrapes by. It’s not what I had planned.

I miss him so much. I need to talk to him so badly. But I won’t.


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