It’s 5am right now. I haven’t slept at all tonight, insomnia has taken over. I just felt I needed to write stuff down, maybe a list of bullet points for when I talk to him, or an open letter of sorts.
For the past two mornings I’ve woke up at 5am. Things going over and over in my head. I know he’s coming back on Sunday and I think I need to get everything out, I need to say my piece get some answers and then try and move on.
– firstly how much I’ve missed him, and love him. And how this has been absolute torture for me, not speaking to him, being alone at night while he has been comforted by S. How many nights have they been together… Or how many nights has he spent alone should I say!? Does he have no respect for me, and the last 7 years? Could he not wait? Has he even thought about me?
– the reasons he gave me to break up with me are all things that could have been sorted, had he spoken to me. I don’t believe he has felt like this for years. Not at all. I think he’s had an affair and then sat and collected things he could use against me to then justify his actions and his guilt.
That’s not taking away from valid reasons… But had he spoken to me before, we could have addressed them.
– telling everyone “I don’t want to go away, I love my life, I’m happy”. I know he wasn’t lying. I know things aren’t always perfect but they never are, never will be. What’s changed since he has been saying that? – he’s gone up and fallen in love with the job, the people, but then he’s sat there and got lost and consumed in negative thoughts about what I’m not doing, and not actually seeing what I am, and what I’ve always done for him.
– “I want them to do it without me asking”.
This sums him up… Because he gives so much to everyone, seems so strong, he expects everyone to give him the same. But people aren’t mind readers. If you need something then communicate. Especially after 7 years… Don’t sit there and stew, pick up the phone and talk to me. He dumbs things down, never truly says how he feels… On the texts he puts “lol” after he says he’s crying. “I’ll be fine”, “they’re happy tears”. If it’s serious pick up the phone. You harbour all these emotions and then down the line use them against me.
Very unfair two years later to be saying this. If it was that big of a problem, then you should have sat me down when you got back and told me. We could have talked things through. But as it happens, and as you admitted yourself when you broke down, no-one came out for you. Not just me. Don’t pin point all the blame on me, when your own dad and bother didn’t come out. Flesh and blood. It’s very very easy for a new friend to say “I’d of come out” but faced with it would he? How about you address that with all your best friends and your family. If you don’t then don’t use that against me.
I feel incredibly guilty for not coming out. I’m sorry. But do your family feel guilty for not coming out. Have you made them feel guilty too?
– In relation to your mum, and loving her and embracing her…
I do! I have! But G… I still don’t know the facts. If I don’t know facts, and don’t understand there is only so much I can do and say. She is a fragile woman. I mean, made her cry once because I said posh spice was lovely! That sets a boundary with me I’m scared to push. I don’t want to upset her in thought of upsetting you in anyway. You also have to remember, your own sister-in-law doesn’t see or speak to her AT ALL… I’ve embraced your mum more than she ever has, and I only see her 3 times a year. But I feel you have pushed/projected your sister-in-law’s lack of embracing your mum on to me, so I have to make up for it.
I love your family, I really do, I get along with all of them so well… But I chose you. Not your family. Some people don’t get along with their in-laws at all.
Do your family know everything that’s happened? Only your sister-in-law has text me. That hurts. When I’m hurting because of something you have done, no-one has reached out to me. Your mum hasn’t. Can you honestly say your mum has made as much effort with me? There was a time I came over especially to see her, she didn’t talk to me at all… You had to tell her off after I left!
It’s a two way street.
But I have tried, I’ve embraced her, and love her and care for her health because I am in love with you! But there’s only so much I can do without knowing facts, and without you letting me in. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells, how can I embrace something that you want let me in on, and won’t let me understand?
I know things with your mum have effected you very deeply, I know wholeheartedly they have, but there’s nothing more demeaning than watching the person you love be in pain, and be powerless to help. There is nothing I can say to help because I know nothing. I think I resented your mum/family for making the person I love hurt so much, and be under so much pressure. It’s not your mums fault, which is why this is a hard subject because there isn’t a quick fix. But believe me, I’ve done my best, so far, to embrace her, love her, look after her… And I’ll do even more, because I love you. But please, let me understand. Let me in. Then I can help.
I feel like because you’ve taken everything on your shoulders for so long, you won’t let it go. You feel it’s totally your responsibility. But you need to share it. It’s not healthy.
– there was a time, I’m not sure if you remember, before you went away. We were sat on the sofa and you said ” I’m feeling really on edge lately”, why, “because everything in my life is going so well. Jobs, mum, you. I’m waiting for something bad to happen!”
Do you remember?
I feel like you have sabotaged yourself. Subconsciously, you can’t let yourself be happy or drama free. You’ve had no-one to fix of late, nothing to focus on, no project. I feel like you’ve gone and made one for yourself. Found S, who you said to me in the past, I’m going to break him down, make him not give a fuck about things so much… You saw he was vunrble and weak and had so much pressure that you decided to help him. I’m not sure where this turned into you both dismantling each other’s relationships, but mix it with sexual tension and of course you will be attracted to each other. You’ve formed a bond, trauma bond. Instead of discussing you feelings with your partners you feed into each other and egged each other on.
You said to me he makes you feel how I’ve not made you feel for awhile… Well of course… It’s new and exciting, it’s a honeymoon period. It’s something we haven’t had in ages because we are 7 years down the line. Of course he’s going to say all the things you want to hear. Doesn’t mean I don’t think them, or say them. But you’ve mixed it with fancying him.
You sat up there and thought of me in negative light, all the things I don’t do, and looked at S and seen the things you want me to do. You haven’t thought of all the things I’ve done, that I do to show affection, show how much I love you. You have misconstrued things I’ve said/done, you’ve focused on things from years ago, things that could easily have be discussed, but you used them against me. But this is after you started something with S. You know you are in the wrong but to justify it you’ve come up with reasons as to why I’ve pushed you into this.
– You said I treat you like the 25year old G, and that youve changed.
You said this knowing you have slept with someone else. Do you honestly believe you have changed? You also said you didn’t want to sleep with other people alone, you wanted to do it together, and you made me feel bad for being honest and saying I’ve thought about it… But you WERE sleeping with someone else. I can’t believe those words came out of your mouth, knowing what you had done.
– Everything has pointed to us sharing our life together… Why at Xmas would you buy things for both of us? If you didn’t see us together?
I think you love me, but I think you’ve got so lost you can’t see the woods through the trees. You can’t remember how happy we were (yes we have issuses, but nothing that can’t be sorted and spoken about) you are so close to it all, and have S by your side.
You’ve forgotten your old life. I want you to wake up, take some time to be alone, and really think about what you are doing.
After 7 years you should be giving me more than one night to give it “one last shot” with me. Baring in mind that I didn’t even know that. You should be giving us two months for “one last shot” and make sure we are on the same page first.
I’m not sure I’ll even get the chance to say any of this to him.