January 19th 2017 – You can’t have your cake and eat it! #SorryNotSorry

Today was the hardest day of my life. No exaggeration.
I work up after getting back to sleep and was surrounded my boxes of my things I had to cram into a van my dad was bringing.

I completely broke down, this is the weakest I have felt since it all happened. I’ve stayed as strong as I could be, but this is an end of a era. This is closing everything down.
I MUST speak to him. The only thing I need right now is to hear his voice, just to calm me.
I text/called other people first, just to see if it would settle me down, but the wailing crying continued.
I picked up the phone and called him, he didn’t answer. I felt like such a fool. He doesn’t want to speak to me, he has forgotten all about me.

5mins later he called. I picked up and cried for minutes. I couldn’t form words. The relief to hear his voice was a release. Like he had come back from the dead. He started to cry too and we just sat on the phone crying to each other. I felt connected to him again. But did it help?

We spoke about lots of things. Over and over things we have said before. I wanted to avoid that. I wanted to wait until we were face to face, but it all came out. He said he had wanted to call me everyday, thought about me every minute. It was nice to hear, but hard to think he was still with S most nights, being comforted.
He regrets hurting me, making me feel this way, but I don’t think he regrets getting involved with so done else. This is it now. He’s made his choice. What more can I do, apart from let him go.

My dad knocks on the door and I have to hang up. He said he will try and call me later, that I don’t have to pick up if I can’t or don’t want to.

Me and dad then pack everything into the van. Once it’s all in I sit down and break down in front of him. I don’t think I’ve cried in front of my dad for YEARS! I felt so vunreble, ashamed and embarrassed. He was brilliant, calm and strong. He gave me time to get it all out and then we got ready to leave. I can’t explain where I am right now… The darkest place I have ever been in my life. Lowest self esteem ever. Scared for my life.

Dramatic I know!

The one person I think at the moment that can help and sort it, doesn’t want me. Just wants to be my “best friend”. How can I? How can I continue being his best friend and nothing else. One day maybe. But not now.

So in the middle of all this I get a call from my new agent… I have an audition tomorrow. Fucking hell!! Why do they always come at the wrong time. My head is not ready for this. But I take the challenge, use it to focus my mind. I leave the house with my dad and I head in to town, meet friends, work on script and head back to the house for my last evening there. My heart drops.

G rings me, I decide to answer it. Not sure why. I’ve done it once today I guess it wouldn’t matter again. He asks how I was, how the move went? We spoke. We cried. We actually laughed… I asked him if he thought he was having a mid life crisis and he said yes, he thought he might be. He joked it runs in the family. He might be on to something there.
I said to him I don’t think we should speak now until he is back in London, and only if we need to. It’s killing me as I know this is his last weekend with S before he goes back to New York for 2+ months, so they will be spending time together, nights together, making the most of it.

You know what…. No. I must be strong.
You can’t have your cake and eat it.
You can’t shit all over me, keep me as a best friend and still get to be with him. #SorryNotSorry

If he is going to be in your life, I can’t be. I can’t watch that. Can’t be happy for that.
He is the reason we have spilt up. No matter what your reasons are, you are justifying it with them. Bottom line, if you hadn’t of met S, we would have split up.

You’ve made your choice. Goodbye.

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