January 20th 2017 – I can’t deal with thick people!

Last morning here… I get up and work on my audition, distract myself from the fact I won’t be coming back.
A friend calls, she’s been through what I’m going through and coming out the other side of this, she’s brilliant to talk to. Gives me all the best advice without cushioning it all. It will take time, a long time, she’s not afraid to tell me. But she’s come through it and so will I. She said I need to focus on me now, think positively. I can’t be worried about G, and his choices, as much as it hurts.

It’s always harder when another person is calling the shots.
I need to take control of my life.

I leave the house. No crying. I’m a little on edge but I don’t cry.
I’ve downloaded some podcasts to listen to on my journeys… I find music too emotionally charged at the moment. Everything is about love, or breaking up. Plus I won’t let him spoil some of my favourite songs!
I try one of the honest actors podcast… One with Denise Gough who I loved in People Places and Things at The National. She talks about being out of work, waiting on tables a week after she finished performing in the West End. But still she carries on. She lived hand to mouth and sometimes hand to nothing. She had to believe in herself, she had no choice but to make it as an actress.

This has come at the right time for me… I’m in such a mess and scared about the future I’ve been thinking about what I’ll do if I give up acting. I don’t want to give up, ever, but I can’t go on being an usher all my life. Low pay, just affording my rent. I would love something I could grow another career in, when and if the time came for me to let acting go. I need to think now about a path I could take.
But there is nothing else I want to do. I don’t have a choice. I need to make it work. I will survive as an actor.

I guess I’m just fed up of ripping tickets. I’m past that now. I need to feel like I’m doing something I can progress in eventually. That I’d be happy doing if out of work for long periods. Touch wood that doesn’t happen *knocks head*. This is an issue to come back to.

I head to my audition, they are running an hour late. That’s fine. I sit, wait, go over script. End up going in and having a lovely time. I have no idea if what I did was good, I’m not in the right frame of mind. But I went and tried and presented my idea of the character. I’ve done my job, if it’s right it’s right.

Tonight I have been given an extra shift at HMT (Her Majesty’s Theatre). There’s that thing… Two weeks ago I was playing a 10 year old in one of the biggest plays in London, now I’ve lost everything and back to selling sweets, while directing people to their seats. People who can’t tell the difference between a number and a letter…
“what number seat are you?”
“E”
“No the number seat”
“E”
“NUMBER!!!! That’s not a NUMBER. Oh, Just find it yourself”
*mutters stupid twat under breath*

I mean, I can’t do this. This isn’t me, I’m not usually that rude, but people are just pushing me over the edge. So much has happened all at once, and I’m not dealing with it. I’m cracking up. As much as I need the job and money, and I’m so thankful for it, I just can’t stand here and do this. Then watch the same part of Phantom of the Oprah every shift. What is my life. I start to think about G doing a show he loves, away from me, with a new love interest. He’s not even thinking about what I’m going through. I need to get out of here. I start pacing behind the seats. Thank god my break comes up. I’m chilled in the bar, people around me. But when I’m left to my own thoughts in a place I can’t speak I start to get restless and go mad. The rest of the shift was ok. I was distracted. But I really don’t think I can do this. I’d prefer to do bar… Not sitting in. I can’t.

To be honest I think I was panicking again. About going backwards. I really have had enough of just being an usher… I want something more. I want a sideline career as well as being an actor. But what? Hairdressing? Massage? Physio? Or office work… Agent assistant? Casting assistant? Would I have to completely give up acting for those though?

I don’t want to be 30 and be a fucking usher.
I’m going to make something of myself.
I just need to test things out, don’t be scared. Be brave and try new jobs.

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