January 21st 2017 – Heartbreak can break a person.

It is G’s last day in Leeds. I want to speak to him. But I know he will want to focus on his shows, and also making the most of being with his new love interest.

It’s KILLING me.

How can he do this to me? Why is there no respect for what I’m going through, just give me time to get my head around my relationship ending. That’s hard enough. But to add the fact he had moved on already… It’s just so so hurtful.
I just want him to be away from Leeds.
But then what?… There’s part of me that wants to spend time with him, remind him how good we are together… We’ve had 4months of just calls and texts. we’ve lost our connection.

Does that mean I want to get back with him after everything? I can’t, can I?
But part of me does. Part of me wants to get him back, make him realise what he’s done, what he’s let go.
7 years is worth fighting for.

If nothing else, I’d like him to finally open up to me like he said he had to S. Why can’t he do it now? Nothing else to lose. Let’s open up to each other, see where it takes us.
I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do, but I’d like to sit, have a drink, and really talk.

Double show day at work today. I’m dreading it. I felt so lonely yesterday, it’s hard to just carry on as if everything is normal in my life when no-one around me knows what’s happening. Sometimes you need that silent support from people who know, just smile, or a nod, a keep your chin up look.
I’m on the same position again, which is fine. It’s funny to be in a different theatre after working as a supervisor and thinking “I could do that!”. Why are they making such a meal out of the job. It’s the easiest job there! It’s frustrating.

That’s why I don’t want to do FoH anymore.
I need to stop saying “I don’t want…”, I’m sending out negative thoughts. So let’s scrap that and say, that’s why I want to do something different.

On my hour lunch break between shows I have no idea what to do. I don’t know anyone, and don’t feel like I can ask to join people. I feel like a child at school with no-one to play with. I think this has quite possibly been my loneliest moment so far. I left the building and just started walking. Distract myself. I phoned about 6 friends, including my mum, and no-one picked up.
I have to realise that sometimes this will happen, not everyone can be at my beckon call. I need to start feeling comfortable with myself again.
One of my best friends called, and we chatted for a good while. Told him how I was feeling etc. He’s a great listener and let’s me just get it out. You always feel better after just airing things.
I hope this can happen with G at some point.
For some reason end up walking all the way to the normal theatre I work for. My feet just take me there. I gravitate towards it because it’s a safe place for me, I feel comfortable there. But the box office door is shut, they’ve closed. Stand in the Leon line and it’s so long, CBA (Cant Be Arsed). All the while I’m still spouting off to Kris on the phone.
I walk back and end up getting a £3 meal deal from tesco. I suppose I should save money.
Second shift and I was with a guy I sort of knew from other shifts before. He has heard what’s been going on, that I’m splitting up from G and looking for a room etc. We get talking. It’s so nice to be able to talk to someone there, I can’t tell you.
He was lovely, very supportive and it was great to open up to someone who doesn’t really know me or G.

Is that what G has done? Opened up to a stranger, felt like he could because he’s not connected to his life. He’s only connected to his Leeds life, the bubble. Who knows?

But during that shift my friend suggested he meet me for drinks after work.
I’m nervous for some reason. I don’t want to go, but feel like I should push myself.
I’m not ready to go out, drink and put a smile on my face. I’m not feeling very confident at all.

I’m honestly starting to realise how G’s mother might have become the way she is. This is all very similar to what happened between her and G’s father (although the I don’t know the true facts, he has never told me).  His father had an affair, and left his mother for that woman, who he is still with.
This sent G’s mum into a spiral. I can imagine it because I’m feeling it. You torture yourself with mental images, you blame yourself, you lose confidence, become a shell of your former self. G was young back then, so she could talk to him about it, but has since. I remember not that long ago they only just, ONLY JUST, opened up to each other about it all. Isn’t that crazy. It’s taken this long for him to even have a frank and open conversation with his own mum. And that took a break down in Australia to bring it out of them.

My mother said there is probably 90% of her life that my dad doesn’t know. They talk of course and love each other, but people confide in different people. My mum said they would talk about something for maybe 10mins, but on the same subject she will talk to her best friend on the phone for hours.
Your partner doesn’t have to know everything. That’s why we communicate with different people. Of course you should be able to speak to them if you wish, but you should also be happy and comfortable to be able to confide in others. That doesn’t mean you are closer to that other person, and they are better suited.

But this feeling of lost confidence mixed with not opening up and having someone to truly talk to I think is a factor to how she is now. I’m very lucky I can open up to my friends, chat, rant get it all out. But if I didn’t, I can see that spiral, I can see how easy it is to slip down it. For the very first time sat here, I understand a very small amount of what she must have gone through, and I feel for her. I have an impulse to want to hug her. Tell her, I understand, you aren’t alone. Heartbreak can break a person.

I force myself to go out. I’m scared, nervous. Obviously not going out to pull, I have no interest. I think what scares me is this is my life now. Single life. Going out, trying to pull, trying to find someone.
I don’t want it.
I don’t want to start again.
I want to go out, have fun and return back in an uber to my home. To my bed. With G in it.
But I won’t. From now on I’ll be crashing at friends, or making my way home all the way out of London. I don’t want to wake up in other people’s beds. Not having my stuff around me.

I want a home. My home.

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