January 23rd 2017 – Start of a new week. New life. New Routine.

I woke up. First Monday at home. Start of a new week. A new life. A new routine.

I woke up about 4:45, it’s getting earlier. I put on some meditation video on YouTube, closed my eyes and listened for an hour. I must have fallen back to sleep, or zoned out for abit. And re-awoke at about 7:45ish. I lazed about, as I don’t want it to be a long ass day.
I got up and got ready. My first day of traveling in to London, straight to the gym. I loved it, the gym is great, I got there about 11:30ish and it was nice and quiet. I just got on with my workout.

I am, I must confess, worried about the money I’m spending to travel in everyday. A return is £12.30. That’s off peak. That’s roughly £86ish per week. I mean… Fuck. Ouch.

But I need to do it. I feel like I need to be in London.
After the gym I walked in to town, met my friend and we just wandered about London. Had lunch, got coffees, drinks. We spent a lot, and we probably shouldn’t. But then we decided to help each other write lists… Action plans. Who can I write to about dressing jobs? Where can I work? Where can my money come from? What can I budget?
We were helping each other to be proactive. Positive. Bouncing ideas off one another. It was great. I felt like I was doing something.

We wandered some more and then my friend decided to head home, rightly so, it’s so fucking cold!!! I had to stay until 7pm as I only have an off peak return ticket. Just at the right time, another friend, who played my mother in my last job, text me to say she had tickets to see the Kite Runner in the West End, would I like to go? Hell yes. The chance to see this amazing woman, who supports me massively, gives great advice. I couldn’t wait.
We met, and of course bought little bottles of wine to smuggle in to the theatre… One thing from working FoH is to know how expensive drinks are… I ain’t paying it. Soz.

We sit in our seats, and chat about my whole situation. I love talking to her. She is extremely articulate in what she says, and how to explain things. I WISH she could be with me when I finally decide to met with G face to face. She could talk sense in to anyone. I could listen to her all day.

The show starts… Straight away I knew we’d be leaving at the interval. I HATE doing that. But this was awful. Having just come from playing a role which flits between childhood and adulthood, to see adult actors actually PLAYING children… As in putting on voices, and physically putting on a child’s actions… NO. NO BABY NO. It was awful. I didn’t care. I couldn’t connect. I have even read the book and knew what was coming and I didn’t care.
We looked at each other after the LONG first half and knew we were leaving. We ran out and went straight to the bar next door.
Thank god.
We drank, eat, and spoke about lots of things. It was just want I needed. Distraction.

I forgot to mention… About 6pm I got a text from G. He said he hoped I was ok, and hoped I was able to get out and about. He’s there if I need him, and if I feel comfortable maybe we could meet next week. But feel free to change my mind.

I’m so conflicted!!
Of course I want to see him, I’m in love with him. I miss him with every part of my being. But I don’t think I’ll get the answers I want. I don’t think I’ll hear what I want to hear from his mouth. And I’m scared of more hurt as a result.
There’s no point if we were to go round and round in circles. I’m trying to be strong. He can’t have his cake and eat it. He can’t choose S but the still have me in his life to ease his guilt. I just don’t know what to do, but I can’t rush anything.
I haven’t replied.

I’m not playing games. I HATE that. But I’m just not ready.


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