January 24th 2017 – “Repeat after me, I am receiving now. I am receiving all the good in my life now. I am receiving (fill in the blank) now”

Meditation at 4:45 again. I did about 2hours worth of zoning out, falling back to sleep.
I keep waking up with thoughts I want to say to G, playing out discussions, arguments. Also images of him and S haunting me. I have to keep telling my mind STOP IT. STOP.

I get up properly about 10am. Sit down in living room and start to adapt my CV. I need to print them off, drop them round theatres. Something will happen. It has to. I am strong believer in The Secret. I follow it on Twitter and have started screen grabbing tweets by them, inspirational ones, and making an album that I can look at every day and remind myself to think positive happy thoughts.

One says “repeat after me, I am receiving now. I am receiving all the good in my life now. I am receiving (fill in the blank) now”.

I did this today, with a whole list of things. I said the sentence out loud each time with a new blank.
Strength now.
Positivity now.
Happiness now.
Money now.
Love now.
Kindness now.
My own place now.
A job now.
Acting work now.
Auditions now.
Dressing jobs now.
G now.

I started to tear up. It sounds wanky, but I felt to thankful for all this stuff. As if I had it already. I was so happy, crying happiness. I was smiling. I got on that vibration. That wave length. There was a hint of sadness when I said “Gary now”, but I couldn’t help it.

I got up, got showered and ready. And just as I was getting ready to leave to go and get milk and yogurt… My phone rang. A number I didn’t know. Usually I don’t answer unknown numbers, its usually cold callers for PPI! If it’s important they will leave a message.
But this time I answered. A new me.
It was the Head of Wardrobe on a show in the West End. Would I like to go in and learn a track to be their safety net, and cover. YES YES YES!
When are you available to come in? TONIGHT.
Brilliant, see you at 6:30pm.

It happened. I asked. Then I received it.

I’m so bloody chuffed. I wanted to get in to dressing for ages. Even just one shift, it means I can put it on my cv. So I left the house early to head to meet my mate Clark. Both had lines to learn so we helped each other out, chatted about G’s text… Which I still haven’t replied to. I sort of feel bad, but I’ve had things to focus on, get ready for, sort out.
I want to talk to him. I want to see him. But is that because I don’t want him to be with S. Or because I actually want him to be with me.
I’m still living in fear.

I was nervous about heading backstage at the dressing job as G use to be in this show, and most people there know me as his boyfriend. There were awkward moments, people asking after him. I told the few other dressers about our break up, but in the middle of the show when the actors are asking after him as I’m helping them change, I decided to let it slide. Just answer generally. A friend who lives in the same area as me and G, and who knows everything, was sat near by and must have heard them asking. I’m sure he felt sorry for me, but I carried on, acted professional and just kept my dignity. There’s a time and place and on my first shift in a potential new job it’s not the one.

Everyone were amazing. I really really enjoyed myself. I can’t believe the amount of characters and costumes they have to remember and order. But I think I was keeping up. It seemed calm backstage, only two really quick changes, the rest were leisurely. It’s more the prep and aftermath of a change, hanging everything in the right place in time for the next.
They’ve told me they would like me in on Wed, Thursday evening. Possibly Friday. And then back in at some point next week! Thank god. That’s a full weeks work this week.
I’m so so SO grateful.
I will work hard and get everything a right as I can.

I’ve come home for once, feeling remotely positive.

I still go to bed thinking of G. I want to tell him everything, share my news, say I saw everyone at the theatre. But I can’t. How much is he actually missing me? It doesn’t seem like he is bothered at all. He hasn’t made out like its effected him at all. It’s so sad. 7 years can be erased just like that by someone you love.

Ps. The other guy’s husband messaged be again… “❤️❤️❤️❤️”
That was it! What the hell am I meant to say to that? What does it mean? Sending me love. It makes me want to know what’s happening on their side, what they have decided. But actually it’s not my business. I don’t want to know. I want to shut down and just focus on me!!


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