January 25th 2017 – I just need to hear the truth and then cut him off.

I’m up early, I mean I’m always up early, but I mean actually up and about early.

I have an audition for a corporate video for HP printing company. I have to be clean shaven and suited&booted. I’m so tired I can’t be arsed. I really really don’t want to go. If it wasn’t for the fact it’s my new agents 2nd audition he’s got me I would have called in sick. I’ve had the material for a few days and it apparently has to be memorised, off book.
It’s so hard… I have to be a presenter called Dan Parker, and he spouts so much printing jargon, I just can’t connect to it, can’t make it stick. And certainly can’t do it all in one go without making a mistake.
Anyway, I force myself to go. I get into my suit, pack my bag, leave for the train.
I recorded my lines on my phone and have them playing in my ear. To save myself looking too crazy I recite the lines into my hands free mic, as if I’m speaking on the phone. I’m sure I still look crazy… Massive expressions and hand gestures don’t help with this.

As well as this, I still have the fact that I haven’t replied to G on my mind. He’s always on my mind. But I’m trying to focus on my audition. Small blessing maybe. I just don’t know what to say yet, but I want to reply, I don’t want to leave it hanging. It’s polite at the end of the day.

I go to my audition. Casting woman was lovely… She seemed to think we had met before at a casting for a tea advert where I had to play a prince. Pretty sure I never auditioned for that, but I smile and nod.
The time has come… Stand on the mark and reel off the lines. First go was a “rehearsal”, I knew she’d be filming it, and she was. I actually did it. All in one go. Something clicked. A few different words here and there but I did it. She said it was good, good energy, just try to slow it down abit.
Next take… I KEPT fucking up. Getting through to last paragraph and then fluffing it. FFS! Finally did it all the way through once and then she said thank you.
I’m really not sure how that went, not sure that I’m bothered. She seemed to like it but I kept fucking up.
If I was to get the job there are reams and reams of script to do… Surely presenters use auto cues for all that!? I couldn’t learn it. Although for a week in Tel Avi maybe I’d try.

So I head out and meet my stage sisters from the show I just finished. It was so good to see them! Both had been away, LA and Bruges. It was great to hear about different things, and it got me excited to head to LA myself. Of course conversations turn to me, and how I feel. I got them up to date. They think I should message back, but only when I’m ready. It needs to be on my terms.
They are making me feel confident about it all, and I really don’t want to leave him hanging. Some people will be shouting at their screen WHY!!!!!? Why not leave him hanging. Why not leave him.
He’s my best friend. And I worried about him. So I message him… I say I’m not playing games by only just replying, I’m just taking things day by day, as and when I feel like it. That I will want to meet but I’ll let him know when. That I’m scared of being hurt more.

He replies, saying he understands and taking things day by day is good idea. He wished me well on my first dressing shift yesterday and that he was chuffed for me.

We got in to a convo. I said I enjoyed it, I’m in most of the week.

He said Go J!

It all seems very cold from his end. Very blah. Just friendly. Almost like he’s only agreeing to meet with me because he feels he has too. That he owes me it. But that it won’t change anything. I told him I missed him, he told me he misses me too.
Does he?
How?
Like a friend?

He said he’s really enjoying being back and it’s nice not to be in Leeds.
I’m so mixed up in what to think about all this.
Wait, so you are glad to get away from Leeds, and S? Or are you happy with the S part? And you are enjoying being back in London, but it doesn’t seem like me not being there is effecting you much. Like you don’t care. Like nothing is going to change. You’ve made up your mind but you’ll chat to me anyway as you feel you owe me it after 7 years.

I’m just not sure.
I’m not sure I’m going to hear what I want.
I’m not sure I’ll be strong enough to to take it.
I can’t be in his life, if S is. So will he choose to save something of our relationship, like a friendship. Or sacrifice it all for some guy he has known for 3months?

I’m fearing the latter.
But maybe I just need to hear the truth and then cut him off.

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3 thoughts on “January 25th 2017 – I just need to hear the truth and then cut him off.

  1. I liked your story. Just a question why not just ask him and be done with it? Why all this pussy footing around and torturing yourself? I know it’s easier said than done, but I’d let yourself off the hook whether your afraid of the truth or not, the truth will set you free and you deserve as much

    Like

    1. Hi Rob. Thanks for the comment, and the advice. I’m currently posting back dated diary entries to catch up with where I am today. I totally agree I should have stopped pussy footing around and asked him straight out, but as you will see the lies keep coming. And more hurt is created. I’m grateful you have been reading this and you are showing support!

      Liked by 1 person

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