January 26th 2017 – Don’t leave me in limbo, please!

Last night I found out from the husband (surprise, surprise!) that G is jetting off to Mexico with S next week. I’ve fallen ten steps back.

I asked G on the phone a few days ago if he was seeing S at all over this break from the show, he said no. Once again, he lied.

He is being extremely selfish, self absorbed, and not thinking about me at all.
How does he think it’s acceptable to jet off on holiday, leaving me alone to deal with this and knowing the fact he is on a beach sunning himself with the other guy!?

I called him. He was on a night out. But when I wouldn’t let it go and he realised it was serious, he spoke to me and cut his night short. He needs to realise how wrong this is. I asked him not to go on this holiday. I asked him to pay me the respects of a 7 year relationship, and the potential friendship we could have and let me have the time to process this all.

I need time where I know he is out of Leeds, away from S, so I can have piece of mind and become stronger day by day.

The they are doing goes to Canada for months! He has all of Canada to be with him, he has the rest of his life if he wants, but give me theses few months where I’m not torturing myself with images of them in my head.

Also where I know G is around for me if I need him. That sounds weak, I know.

He said to me he will be here for me if I need him, he said he will always be here for me, we can help each other through this break up. But then he thinks it acceptable to jet off to Mexico with the man, who no matter whether he thinks it or not, caused this.

I can’t believe how absolute self absorbed and 100% selfish he is being. This isn’t my G. I don’t know who this is. You never think the person you love the most can be the one to hurt you the most.

I have to be strong. I said if he chooses to go on holiday, if S is going to be in his life, then I can’t be in it. He can’t have his cake and eat it.
I cannot be part of his life if he is going to discard my feelings this easily and carry on with another guy.

It’s the fact that the guy appeared on MY TIME. If G broke up with me, we both had time to process it, and then he met someone else, I couldn’t say anything. It would be hard. But it’s harder to deal with when there has been an overlap. I means there has been a period of time that he was playing me along. He had made his choice, and gone through with it, but I was none the wiser. He didn’t have the balls to tell me.

I feel so sick from it all.

At 12pm I had a phone appointment with a mortgage advisor. Me and Mum are trying to buy a place for me in London. So I need to focus. It has always been a dream of mine to own my own place, and I think I let that dream slip a bit because of living with G in his house. That rug was very much pulled from under my feet.

Never again.

I will achieve this goal and have security in my life. That will never happen to me again. No matter if I move in with someone else in the future, I will have security in knowing if it all falls through I will have a place to go. I won’t be back to square one, living with my parents.

I have managed to save a deposit, but my chosen career doesn’t help to get me a mortgage. This is where my Mum comes in. Her name will be on a joint mortgage with me, and hopefully we can find somewhere.

I do find it frustrating that some one can work in London on low pay, never in their overdraft, always makes rent and has been able to save a deposit, but I can’t get a mortgage! It’s almost impossible for people to do it alone nowadays.

Basically with my low net profit from last year and my mums salary she thinks she could get us a mortgage offer, but it won’t be as much as we were hoping. The problem being you can’t get anything for that in London for the amount she was proposing.
So I’d either have to raise more money for my deposit or get a high salary job for a few months for to get payslips, see a sale go through, then quit and go back to acting.
The latter won’t work I don’t think. I can’t take time off from my new agent, and piss off a new job when needing to go to auditions.
Finding more money for a deposit… How? My mum has savings but I really don’t want to use any of her money. That’s for her to live on.

So this has added my already pretty downhearted mood! Great. I was on a roll with my positive thinking and ask, believe, receive, and now I’ve been knocked a kilter.

I need to win the lottery!

I call my mum and tell her everything. She tells me this will be an on going project, just to keep looking and we WILL do it. I then tell her about G. She’s so angry and disappointed.

Im really feeling I need to cut loose from him. As much as it will kill me, I need to act like he’s dead to me. I can’t contact him anymore. It’s destroying me.

After crying to my mum, and then my friend on the phone. I get ready and leave to go in to the gym in town. It is so so bitterly cold. I’m so disheartened by it all I don’t feel like going to the gym. Instead I walk to work, my safe haven and I sit in the box office with my friend. Again his words of wisdom never go a miss. I feel comfortable, and secure there. Thank you universe!

He totally agrees how selfish G is being, as does everyone I’ve spoken to.
There’s a press launch of the new show today, so I go to watch from the upper.

As it starts, G calls.
I spend the whole launch going through everything we chatted about last night. Making it hit home what I thought, and trying to make him realise how disrespectful it is after everything he’s put me through. It’s immature, and really shocking.
I said I think he should just take these two months to clear up this mess, make sure the person you shared your life with for 7 years is alright, let that person become stronger, and then in Canada you can do what you want. Just have time on your own first. And let me get use to our partnership not being there.

He explained he wanted to just get away from it all and have a holiday. Well do it ALONE! Or visit a friend. Why does it have to be with him? Why are you rubbing salt in to my wounds? It’s fucking disgusting behaviour.

After hearing me out he couldn’t give me an answer. Said he now needed time to think if he could actually go on holiday and enjoy it, as he would be thinking of me and how much he’s hurt me. He asks for a couple of days to think.

Don’t leave me in limbo, please!!

If you are going to go then just say. But that will be it, I’m out, I won’t be in your life anymore.

He’s torn. But I know what he’ll do. He will go.

And to be honest, I think I would cut him out anyway even if he didn’t go.

Enough is enough.

He then also has the audacity to ask if I should go and talk to someone!!?
Me? ME?! Firstly I’m not afraid to talk to someone, as I’ve written on here before. I’ll happily talk to a therapist, and have looked into it. I want to learn about myself.
But HE is the one that needs to talk to someone, he is very damaged and won’t admit it for fear of looking weak. He has to be strong for him Mum. This is why it’s so hard for me to watch.

It’s horrible to say, I must act like he’s dead to me.
No more.

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