January 27th 2017 – See the sign, don’t block the blessing.

I was meant to get up and head to meet friends early in London, but I couldn’t bring myself to go. I’m extremely down, and low today. I didn’t sleep well and I’ve been having such long days, what with working in the evenings that I’m extremely run down and becoming ill. I decided to stay in for the morning and head in to London in the afternoon.

Last night I actually posted my first entry online, on this very blog. I haven’t put my name to it, I’m taking out all names so it’s anonymous. I don’t want people to know its me. I’m not posting it for my friends to read and get gossip. I’m posting it for it to be out there, in the world. For anyone to read, connect to, like (or dislike). But I don’t want it to be about who I am, it’s about the feelings and journey that’s being thrust upon me.
I’m not sure how it all works, how to get your blog seen, how tags etc work. But to my surprise people have seen it. Liked it. Followed it. It’s a start.
It’s therapeutic to write this and know someone is reading it, someone out there is listening. Thank you. I’m adding one entry morning and night to catch up with the present date, so there’s a lot to catch up on.

I head into town and meet one of G’s best friends. I’m early so I head to the members lounge in the centre of town that I treated myself to. I head in and who do I see… My first ex. WHY CANT I ESCAPE!? I don’t think he saw me.

Now, I call him a ex, but it wasn’t real. We dated in drama school for 3 months and the broke up. At the time yes I took it seriously, but knowing what I know now, and feeling what I’m going through, it really wasn’t anything. It was a three month shag. It took me by surprise seeing him there, typical that I join the club he is part of, but I actually just shrug it off. It’s been 8/9 years since then.
Maybe that is proof that I will get through this. Maybe this is a sign that was meant for me. He’s someone from my past that at the time I cared for, but eventually I got through it. I need to take comfort in that. See the sign, don’t block the blessing. I’ve done it before, I’ll do it again.
But this is much more in depth. Stronger feelings. Longer recovery time.

I went to meet one of G’s best friends. We spoke over everything, everything you’ve read on here. He couldn’t believe it, and was shocked that G hadn’t spoken to him, or their close friends. He’s been avoiding that. He knows they will tell him straight.
His friend told me that when he was up in Leeds they had spoken about G going to a therapist and G said he thought he should when he’s back in London! What the fuck!? He’s agreed to it with his friend, but then uses that suggestion from me and a reason to why I wasn’t supportive and how I would just palm him off on to a therapist because I didn’t want to see him weak!!
He is FUCKED UP!!
His friend said he will text him and try to meet up with him before he goes to Mexico and really find out what’s happening. But to be honest… I don’t think anything will change. I need to just start moving on. I really really have no doubt that at some point down the line, he will regret how he’s acted.

Went to work abit drunk. Got through it. Bit of a blur.
Got talking to my ex housemate and she gave me some exciting news about a new job for her! I’m so proud and chuffed for her, she deserves this. We talk about G going to Mexico with S, how insensitive it is, and selfish it is. She then said that S is coming over from New York two weeks before their rehearsals start… So he will be here for a whole month in London. Probably staying in the house I decorated and made a home. In the bed which is mine. At this point I start crying. I get off the train and tell my dad I don’t want him to come pick me up, I want to walk home. I cry all the way.

This crushing feeling in my chest is getting stronger. Like someone is jumping on it over and over again. I’m not saying I’m considering suicide at all, but I can now understand when people are hurting so much that the thought crosses their mind. I understand the feeling of just wanting the hurt to stop, that I’m not strong enough to ride this wave. It’s dark.

I get home and once again cry to my mum.
I end up deleting EVERYTHING of him on my phone. Number, texts, pictures. It’s all gone. I’m not doing this anymore. It hurts to think of S replacing me, and G moving straight on, but I MUST get strong, and focus on myself. I can’t be temped into anything.

Huge lack of sleep tonight.

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