January 29th 2017 – Normalising his behaviour with everyday texts.

Today I woke up to this text…

“Morning. I hope you’re ok. Got mam down for the weekend. She says hello. I hope you are managing to have a nice weekend whatever ur up too x”

I read that in my sleepy daze and put it back down. Even though I deleted everything of him off my phone and it was an unlabelled number, I knew it was from G. I think I was so tired I just put it down and dozed some more.

I’ll come back to the message when I’m more awake.
I actually turned to a link my friend sent me the night before… It was a video from a TEDTalk. I’m not exactly sure what that is but it seems like they are seminars from different speakers on different subjects, mainly self help. This one was about why a massive break up was the best thing to happen in her life. It was extremely interesting, to hear her story, and how she turned it round for herself. Hearing other people’s stories really comfort me, if they can do it why can’t I!? I get into a vortex of TEDTalk videos on YouTube. All self help, not all linked to break ups, but give confidence and support. I will be watching more if these for sure.

Now I’m awake I re-read the message and take it in… I LAUGHED!!!
What the actual FUCK!? Is he joking? What am I meant to reply to that?

“Oh say hello to your mum for me, send her my love, I hope she is well!”

Firstly as if your mum actually did say hello, that’s an excuse for you to text me.
If she wants to say hello then she can pick up the fucking phone and do it herself, she has my number. And while she’s at it she can tell me how sorry she is that her son has hurt me and put me through so much pain! But then again, does she know the extent? G’s dad did this exact thing to his mum, so maybe he hasn’t told her the extent of his cheating ways.

Secondly, “managing” MANAGING??! As if I’m a fucking invalid. YOU’VE put me through this. YOU! This spurs me even more to want to show how strong I am and how much it doesn’t bother me. (Of course it does, but I don’t want to show it!). This doesn’t even warrant a reply, I’m not even sure where I would start trying too.

Thirdly, you are sending this to me to normalise your behaviour! You think if you continue to message me normal, everyday texts, as if we are automatically friends, then you will feel better and easier in yourself. You are guilty. And you’re starting to feel it.

Fourth, don’t use your mother in a text to me, when one of the reasons you have broken up with me is because I didn’t “love and embrace her” to your standard! What is this suppose to be… A test? “If I mention my mum and see what he says it will prove to me what he’s like”. I do hope she is well, and always send her love, but you can’t use her in a message to start up conversation, and make me reply.

I read it to my mum… We just stared at eachother and laughed. WHAT IS HE THINKING?? How can he think these messages are acceptable or helpful in any way. He’s deluded. I think he thinks he’s being nice, but I think it boils down to his own guilt and sadly him just trying to ease it, rather than actually care what I’m going through. Sad really. I pity him.

I haven’t replied. And I won’t. I think I’ve made my mind up not to contact him again. I’m not sure I even want to see him next week. He’s decided he’s going on this holiday for sure, so why does he deserve to see me and wrap everything up, then go on a lovely holiday? Sorry. You can go on the holiday and deal with your own guilt without me helping. I’m getting stronger. Yes the pain of thinking about them together is still killing me, and my heart sinks when my mind lets an image pop up and surprise me. But I can get through this. If we meet, nothing will change, he will still go on holiday. He will still say he’s in love with S. He will still go on the job with him in Canada. There’s months more of this to go… And I can’t draw it out for myself. I’m done now. Time to make myself strong, set my life up, get what I want in life and succeed!!

I will!!!

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