January 30th 2017 – “Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about”

One more day of BGT today. Yesterday went on so long we all had to get paid taxi’s home, as last trains had been and gone. I ended up getting a taxi with my friend, she lives 20mins from me so they packed us in and sent us home.
We got in the taxi and chatted and laughed all the way home. She is one of those friends you just have to look at and you’ll laugh. We were sat in silence at one point looking out of our own windows at the rain pouring down in the dark of night. Magic FM was on, and the spoken intro to ‘Never Ever’ by All Saints came started to play…

“A few questions that I need to know,
How you could ever hurt me so,
I need to know what I’ve done wrong,
And how long it’s been going on…”

At exactly the same time, we must have tuned into the song, and slowly turned our heads to look at each other. We pissed ourselves laughing. Laughing out of the misery that was my life and how much that intro is an open letter to my situation at the moment. I’m glad she was there to laugh with me or else I would have cried!

Today we are back to do it all over again.
I’ve never done less work than over these three days. There is actually nothing for us to do. I watched some of the auditions today. Such a mix of talent. One guy had just made different paper machè heads that he put on and “danced” about. Cue four red buzzers.

One 70 year old guy came on, extremely sweet gentleman. He had lost his wife and wanted to do something for her, to celebrate her, their life. He had been a singer for years, clubs and pubs, the usual story. He went on to sing “Unchained Melody”, it was amazing. The tone of his voice was stunning, old school. And it really touched me. Not only because of the lyrics, but his story and relating it to his wife. The challenges people go through, all people go through. Made me realise I’m not alone. You don’t know about other peoples struggles. Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. (He got through by the way. Of course!)

Today we finished at 10:30ish, so not as late as last night, which means no taxi home. But I got the train with my friend and I had pre bought us two cans of Cosmo each for the journey. We sat and drank and talked about who we would invite to our dinner party, dead or alive. I’ve never really thought about this…

Ben Whishaw
Graham Norton
Michelle Obama
RuPaul
Alan Cummings
Merly Streep
Joan Rivers

That’s a start I think. People to make me laugh, and inspire me. That’s what I need right now.
That group would be a laugh.

I climb into bed. I’ve been so tired these past few days. I actually realise that I’ve been so worried about getting shifts, and money, that I booked myself a shift somewhere everyday! I haven’t actually given myself a day off in two weeks. I’ve done very well in distracting myself.
So much so I haven’t spoken to G today. And I feel good about it.

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