February 1st 2017 – “Fuck off on your holiday, you selfish lying prick!”

I didn’t wake up till nearly 9am. I didn’t even hear my parents leave for work! Thrilled.
I put on some morning “new day” mediation youtube video that I’ve been doing most days. Just puts me in a positive mind set for the day, even if sometimes I zone out and I just take it in subconsciously.

I head downstairs and chill out. I haven’t got to go in to London until work tonight. I thought about going in early to go to the gym, but Its raining and I thought I’d try out one of the home work out plans that my old PT (who I had to leave due to moving!) sent me through to help me. They are brilliant. As I’m sitting there looking up YouTube vids of certain exercises I’ve never heard of I get a text.

Guess who!?

“Hi. I hope you’re ok. I really want to see you tomorrow. I’ve decided to go away on Saturday. I’m so sorry but it’s just what I need to do. If you feel like you can see me tomorrow then just let me know when is good for you. I totally understand if you don’t want to see/speak to me though. Just let me know your decision. I love you x”

I mean… I’m lost for words. I just read it and put the phone down and carry on looking up my work out. What does he expect me to say? No part of me wants to speak to him, or see him. He’s made his selfish choice. I knew he would. So I’m already prepared and strong enough not to reply. He doesn’t get that satisfaction.
Also… I LOVE YOU????! What!!! No you don’t. You wouldn’t treat me like this if you loved me. How could you be so cruel to someone you love!? He’s deluded. Fuck off on your holiday you selfish lying prick!


I put on some music and start my work out. Fuck me this is harder than it looks! I get 3/4 of the way through before I have to lie on my kitchen floor panting like a dog. I’m loving it though. I feel strong, and positive doing it. I must make sure I do these if I can’t make it to the gym.

I make my food for the day and then get showered and ready to leave. I’m heading in to meet two mates for coffee. I recently got membership for my new fave place in London, so we head up to the members lounge. We sit and look out of the massive windows of the view of London. We talk about everything that’s happened. They were friends I met through G, but now are friends in their own right. Interesting to here how disappointed in G they are, and that when they heard what happened that their respect for him dropped massively. As it should. The way he has dealt with this whole situation is terrible.
They backed up my thinking that everything he was pinning on me as my fault to why this has all happened is just a massive deflection from his own guilt. He’s trying to prove and say that I’ve “forced” him in to doing it all. No, I haven’t. And everyone from the outside can see through this. It’s extremely manipulative. I love these boys, they hear all my shit and then we move on. Distract and talk about their lives. So good to hear positive things happening to them, it feeds me, and makes me believe that I WILL have a positive and happy life again. I just need to keep on this strong mind set.

During my shift on bar tonight I got an email from the head of wardrobe at The Royal Opera House… Offering me a dressing job on their next show!!! YES YES YES. THANK YOU. Everything I’ve been focusing on is happening… I’ve said how much I want more dressing work and it’s being offered to me.
Sad thing is, it starts 20th Feb… That day I fly to LA! FUCK.
I’m going to reply and explain and hopefully I’ll still be able to help in some way. Get my foot in the door their.

The shift goes quite quickly, and before I know it I’m on the train home. Another day done. I’m getting through them, one at a time. In a weird way I feel proud of myself.


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