February 3rd 2017 – “I’ve been cut so deep”

Feeling a little on edge today. My head is in tomorrow.

How am I going to get through the next week knowing he is on that beach with another guy!? It’s all happening so fast. How can someone’s feelings change that quick after 7 years, and have a complete disregard of my feelings. I think this is one of the cruelest things anyone has ever done to me. I’ve been cut me so deep.

I need to focus and get my head in today.
I’ve printed off an application form to start volunteering at my local hospital. There are so many opportunities their to help out. You can tick your preferences so I go for Ward Support/Befriending, Tea Trolly (for the elderly patients who can’t get to the cafe), and hospital radio. Imagine me being a disc jockey for the patients, it would be full of show tunes and gay icons! I have no real idea what these will include but I just want to help. I have free days most of the time, and I’d like to give that time to other people. I have a want to just help and have even the smallest impact of someone’s life.

I also ticked McMillen Cancer Support. I think this would be tough, but extremely rewarding. If I could bring just a small smile to a patient’s face then I’d like to try. There’s more going on in the world than my problems, and sometimes everyone needs reminding of that. I want to rise above my negative feelings and view it as this tiny dot amongst something that is so much bigger, and important. In the grander scheme of things this is nothing. Yes it hurts now, but I will come through it. I have a whole life ahead of me, some people don’t. I don’t want to waste it, life is too short and precious. I want to help!

I fill it all out and plan to send it off tomorrow, as I need a passport photo and my cv to go with it. I then head in to town and to the gym. I’m really enjoying working out. I’m seeing a difference from when I started with my PT to now. I have lost a lot of weight recently due to all this stress, so it’s not been in a healthy way. But I now know how to eat, train and rebuild my body how I want it. That’s exciting for me. I’ve never been positive about my body, picking on my love handles mostly. But then I didn’t understand about eating well, my mind was set on CARBS = BAD. So I avoided them!
I actually wasn’t eating enough full stop. I still don’t think I am, but my protein intake has risen. And I’m not scared of carbs anymore. You need them, they are so important for fuelling your body, and feeding it. Without carbs your body stores fat to eat at a later date when it thinks it’s starving.

I’m also finding at the gym that the image of G and S together is spurring me on. I know S has a better body than me, he’s a dancer. He’s got the muscles. It’s made me feel less confident about my body. G always said he liked smaller guys, and wasn’t bothered by amazing bodies, but that’s what hes left me for. Can’t help but feel inadequate.
It’s very sadistic to use the image of them to spur me on, and I know I need to stop. I need to reach my goals for me, not for anyone else. It’s all about mind control. It’s so hard to do.

Does everyone struggle with focusing your mind? Keeping it on a positive path. I try really hard, and I realise I’m in a weak place and need to go easy on myself but I just want to grow head strong and not let things bother me. Any tips are welcome, honestly.

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