Feeling more human.
I have time to kill this morning as I’ve woken up early. So I decide to do my TRX workout.
I get Spotify on and play some songs while I do it.
It’s flicks to Ella Henderson, ‘Yours’. I stand and listen to it. I start to cry and I just let it happen. I have to, I can’t stop it, or bottle it up. It has to come out when it needs to.
I just keep thinking of them together on a beach. G smiling and not thinking of me at all.
But then again what’s the difference if they are together in Leeds, or Mexico, or London or Canada? They are still together, G has still had an affair and chosen the other guy. Why am I so hung up on the fact they are on holiday together? I guess it’s because it’s happening so fast. And he has yet to face me and deal with breaking up with me first. He’s just jetted off to have a good time. Also, I am the one to share in the adventures, and have holidays with him, that was our favourite thing to do. And now Ive been put on the shelf with no notice. It’s just the most unbelievable behaviour, the cruelest thing that has ever happened to me.
I want everyone to hate him. For him to lose everything. But he won’t. His friends will still be his friends. He will get away with this behaviour. He should be punished. He should be told by everyone how fucking nasty he is. I hope karma catches him, rips off his head and shits down his neck… The fucking cunt!
I carry on my workout and get ready.
I leave for work. I’m not in the strongest of moods today, feeling fragile, and I have to go to work backstage at a show he use to be in. His name is still in costumes, and labels and rails. There is reminders everywhere, not at least the actually show. But it’s a job, a job I need, a job I want. I’m dressing. This is what I asked for and I’m extremely grateful.
In my break I head to meet my friend and we sit and chat. Nothing is changing. I talk about the same thing to everyone. Everyone has the same reaction, that he’s a selfish twat, that I don’t deserve to be treated like this, that he doesn’t deserve me in his life. It’s all the same, but nothing is changing. No one is telling him that. They are just leaving it up to him to do whatever he wants. He won’t hear it from me.
Part of me really wants to talk to his family while he’s away. See what they think, what they know, if they think it’s acceptable behaviour. But again… What’s it going to do?
The fact remains… He doesn’t deserve me in his life… But actually, he doesn’t want me in his life. And that’s killing.
I must must must move on.
I can’t feel like this for months and years like people have told me it would take. I really really can’t. How do people do it? How have all these people in the world gone through heart break and survived? I have so much respect for everyone who has gone through this. I’ve never known what it feels like, but I do now. And I never want to feel it again.