February 17th 2017 – I’m so fucking crushed, again!

Early morning due to audition first thing.
I’ve jam packed my day… I head to audition which went ok. I never really know, but they were lovely. I don’t want to be in Frankfurt for months though, so I’m not really bothered about it. I’d like to focus on my career here, so I need to re-address this with my new agent.
I then walk from my audition to my gym. Do a good final workout before my holiday. Then from the gym I head to Covent Garden to meet one of the wardrobe guys from the ROH. We go for coffee and chat about what’s happening there that I could get in on. He was so lovely, and helpful. He said to keep bugging him and he will help me. Once I’m back there is a big new show going in, so he will need help with the ensemble ballet boys… Sounds perfect! Ha.
I then walk from him to Victoria to meet my ex housemate.
She gives me a bag with all my shorts in, and more. Things I left behind on purpose, but G has obviously packed. But weirdly not everything… Like the special hoody he got me as pjs, with a cat in the front, as I’m the laid back cat in our relationship and he’s the needy puppy. We were so right about that!
He bough me a games console for Xmas which I left behind as I don’t need his guilt present… It will only remind me of him and that time. But guess what, it’s in the bag. But again none of the other presents I left behind, the books, the kite etc… All things he bought me but actually wanted himself!

Me and my ex housemate spoke and finally got on to the subject of G. I asked how he was…
She said she didn’t know as she hadn’t seen him.
I asked why.
She said he didn’t get back until yesterday!

WHAT!!?

Yeah he went to Mexico for 2 weeks!!!!!

So he lied to me again. Instead of one week like he said, he went for two. Which meant he booked the holiday while in Leeds, especially to go over Valentine’s Day!!!! I’m so fucking crushed, again… Unbelievable. All I ask is for the truth so I can prepare and deal with it. But he lies, then I find out anyway.
I actually thought I was getting stronger, getting ready to talk to him after the holiday, but thus one little lie has knocked me back. It’s unreal.

I head straight to work from there and have to calm down with my friends in box office. Once again the manager is a dream, and says that he’s lied already and will continue to lie, to save hurting me (which hasn’t worked so far!) and because he is ashamed of how he has dealt with it all. He also said that although it’s my business, I need to make it none of my concern. I need to wash my hands of it, and keep my hands clean.
I haven’t bad mouthed him to friends or family, I haven’t screamed and shouted, I haven’t trashed his house or car. I’ve just tried to get on with my life. I’ve disappeared from him. And in fact I think no reaction is harder for him to deal with it… He’s probably seeing the husband of S put up a fight, and wondering why I’m not. Because that’s what he expects. But if I just deal with it and let him go, it will unsettle him. He won’t have anything to work his guilt against.
If I shout, scream, get angry, he has a reason to why he did it all, he has something to blame it on, and will get defensive.

I need to let it all go. There’s no point talking to him when all he does is lie to me. I don’t deserve that.

I start work which was a fashion show tonight. It was the most badly organised event. The incoming was over 2 hours long, and the show only lasted 20mins. We were told 50mins. Rude audience who thought they were entitled. I was glad it was short.

Randomly I had two of G’s friends message me. One was asking how I was, checking up on me. And the other asked if we could chat. This sounded random.
It struck me now, that knowing he only got back yesterday, G would have spoken to them and asked if they knew how I was… So are they just finding out for him?? Makes me not want to reply.

But the one who wanted to chat has actually been incredible to me through this whole thing, she has been there constantly for support, and to chat, but also she was the one who told it to me straight, remember? The one who said he’s made up his mind, is set on it, and that I need to focus on me, let go of hope, and not to speak to him. So I asked her what she wanted to chat about.

She replied with this…
“Wanna ask your opinion about possible contact with G. He’s asked my advice and I want to put it your way xxx”

I’m extremely confused. This coming from the friend who said he was set, we shouldn’t talk, no contact, focus on me. Why hasn’t she said the same to G. And what’s he said to her? Why does he want contact… to ease his conscious? Surely she would have said he needs to deal with that alone, not involve me in it any more?
Or has he come off the holiday and it hasn’t gone as well as he thought? 24/7 for two weeks with someone you don’t really know could be an eye opener. Has he realised what he’s done?
Am I wishful thinking?
I’m not sure how to approach this.
Firstly, don’t put her in the middle, it’s not fair.
Secondly, if you want to contact me, then grow some balls and contact me. It’s up to me if I want to respond, but don’t go round your mates trying to find out how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking. You’ve done this, you should deal with it.
I don’t want to leave her hanging, it’s not fair, she’s only trying to help. But I don’t want to give anything away, I don’t want him knowing anything about how I’m feeling.
If nothing has changed his end, then what’s the point in talking? He’s made his choice. I’m dealing with it. He doesn’t have the right to know how I’m doing anymore. Plus would I believe anything he says after all the lies.

I would like to clarify what she means and why he wants to be in contact. But I feel like I’m getting my hopes up again, which is stupid… Because even if it’s gone tits up his end, surely I can’t take him back after all this. But how do I play it? Just say to her that I don’t want to know anything and that she shouldn’t be in the middle, it’s not fair on her. Or get the details on why he wants to contact me, and then decide what to do.

When I get home I talk it through with my mum and she thinks the same as me. Very confusing. Why does he want contact. And confused as to why the friend would let him possibly contact me after everything she said to me, almost going back on it, as if there’s something to work on. If there isn’t something to work on, then there should be absolutely no contact, what’s the point?!
I leave it for now, to sleep on it.

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