Up early for another full day at work, with the religious cult that is Hillsong.
I just need to get through this day and then I’m off to LA with friends. I’ve never needed a break so much… Escape this place, and time I’m going through. Put some distance between me and it. I know I won’t escape my feelings… They will follow me hell or high water!
I manage to get the same train as my friend who has just come back from holiday with her family and boyfriend. I see her and she bursts out crying. Oh please don’t say they’ve split up!!
Nope, she had an amazing time, but she’d just had a huge argument with her mum about the week they just had. Bless her, she was so upset. We chat about it all and give as good advice as I can. My number one bit of advice is to communicate, that’s what I’ve learnt from all of this. And not just over text. Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean. Give each other space and talk in person, or if you must talk over the phone. But face to face is always best. She said she would wait until tonight to chat.
I bring her up to speed about the friend of G’s who messaged me about contacting G. So we both council each other on the train this morning, a nice change to hear other people’s problems and try to help.
We get to work late due to the slow train, but today runs itself at work, they hardly need us. So I won’t bore you with that and I’ll get you up to speed with what the friend has said.
I finally reply to the friend saying I’m sorry I haven’t replied yet and that I’ll find the time during work today to call her. She replies saying she’s busy today so might not be great time to chat.
I’m not being in limbo again.
So I reply saying that I was confused about the contact message, what does she mean? And that I do t think it’s fair on her for G to put her in the middle. She shouldn’t be his go between, she’s been a great friend to both of us and he shouldn’t do that.
I get a long message back…
“Bless you, I’m not embracing the go between thing, just wanted to put it to you. Basically, he wants to reach out to you, he loves and cares for you despite his decision and would like to contact you but feels that text might be inappropriate just out of the blue, he wanted me to let you know that he would either like to see you or speak to you. What you do with that is absolutely your decision and I’m purely letting you know that that is how he feels. I’m seeing him this afternoon, you may want to contact him direct to let him know your feelings on this or I can pass on a message for you should you wish. I truly feel he cares very deeply, however cold things might have felt this past month or so, and even though it seems you owe him nothing, he wants to express his care for you. You are experiencing high voltage pain at the mo and what you do with this is entirely up to you. This is not him retracting his decision I feel, it’s him showing you that he hasn’t just abandoned the 7 years of love and feelings, may not be enough for you but it’s an option for you to maybe find closure. A heap of love to you. Stay strong xxxxxx”
I’m completely dumbstruck by that message. I mean, how would you feel? What would you do? What should I do?
My initial thoughts…
Where to start?!
Firstly, grow some balls and contact me yourself. A text out of the blue is not going to shock me into death! Stop doing playground tactics and using your friends, it’s not fair on me or them and it muddies the water even more!
Second, he has abandoned me and the 7 years of love and feelings. He had an affair, broke up with me over the phone, hasn’t seen me face to face in over two months, then goes away with his new boyfriend for two weeks over Valentine’s Day! That’s the epitome of ABANDONED!!
Third, if he is not retracting his decision, and nothing has changed, what is the point in us being in contact? It’s all to help him ease his conscience and guilt. It’s won’t help me in any way. At the end of it I’ll still be left alone. What does he expect? That I’ll give him my blessing, and be understanding of his behaviour? Hell no. I will not be his crutch during this, I will not help him one bit.
Fourth, this is all coming through the friend, that if you remember text me the “cruel to be kind” text over a week ago! The one that said he is very adamant in his choice, that he’s gone through a change, and that she feels I’m holding on to some sort of hope and she thinks I should let go of that now and focus on me, no contact, as hard as it is.
So why now, since she has spoken to G, has that changed? She should have turned round to G and said “NO! I’ve already told him that he needs to move on and there should be no contact”, and that it’s not fair on me.
But for some reason now, she is taking his side and suggesting we should talk. For what?? To help him!! It’s not for me to get closure because that won’t help. No. No. No. She’s taken his side on this now, even though she has been what I am going through. I now feel like I can’t explain to her how I feel in fear of it getting back to G.
I must remember that no reaction is better, I’ve been playing it right. I can’t give too much away. I don’t reply to her message. I feel like I want to say too much and it will be relayed to G. But I’m being ripped in two… There is still that want to talk to him, find out what’s happening.
After work we head for a Sunday drink. Just one this time. One bottle of prosecco!
Then home to finish packing. Can’t believe it’s tomorrow.