24th February to 1st March – LA People, Places and Things.

My time in LA was just what I needed. Experiencing new places, new things, new people (People, Places and Things!) with the most amazing group of friends. I can’t tell you how incredible these four individuals are. The support they’ve shown me over this trip has been overwhelming. That’s not to say I spent the whole holiday crying and ranting about G, but I mean supportive as in just making sure we all had a fun time, making sure I laughed everyday, making sure I was creating new memories that I will treasurer forever and teaching me that there is a whole world out there waiting for me. There is life after G. The world and my life, is my oyster.

I didn’t have time to do a day to day diary. We packed our days so much we hardly had time to ourselves, which I welcomed. We would be up early (no change there for me) due to jet lag (half the time I didn’t know what day or time it was!) then we would be out for brunch/lunch/dinner/drinks EVERYDAY! Our friends who regularly stay out there had booked us the best places to eat, took us to the best restaurants, cafes, bars for drinks, it was brilliant to see LA through people who knew it. We had the best guides!

I’ve been to LA before, with G, for a three day stop over. It rained everyday.
LA has to been seen in the sun, and enjoyed that way. It’s was brilliant to go back and see it against a bright blue sky. We just missed the heavy rain they had (worst in years apparently) which meant for once grass had grown. The Hollywood hills were beautifully green against the blue backdrop. Which made our hikes all the more stunning.
So many things happened on this holiday, the people we met, friends of friends, were all welcoming and friendly. LA really does feel like a YES city. People want to chat, want to meet, want to discover new things.

We had some brilliant nights out, being stupid and dancing about, letting loose. Not caring what people thought. A lot of people nurse one drink all evening because any outing could be a chance to network… We weren’t there for that, we didn’t care, which I think worked in our favour. People were interested in us, chatting and joining us. Intrigued in our English accents.
I can see how people would view LA as very pretentious, but if you dive right in and be yourself then it can be so much fun.
The things you over hear in LA, my word. At an art gallery opening we heard one woman introduce herself – “I’m a Model and an Actress. I’m a Mactress.” Dead serious. Although I thought she said “I’m a Mattress”, which personally I think is better!

Two guys in a lift in soho house –
“She walked in the room and I mean, she just a star… She’s a STAR! So fucking beautiful, she has it, she’s a star!” We all pissed ourselves and I’m sure he noticed, but fuck it, listen to yourself!!!

We had some brilliant nights out. We headed to WeHo, the gay hub of Hollywood. Had some fantastic night out there. A few guys caught my eye, I had a flirt and some kisses. But it felt strange. I wanted G. I wanted him to be there with me, kissing me, flirting with me, smiling with me.
Don’t get me wrong, it was fun, and there’s lots of hot guys in Hollywood, but maybe it was too soon for me? Or maybe it’s exactly what I needed. Anyway… I end up going home with a Brit. A guy I met at the party the first night.
This is the first person I’ve slept with since G.
I’m nervous, but to be honest the alcohol is fuelling me through it.
We had fun, lots of fun! But the bit I hate is coming up…
Waking up in the morning and I’m not next to G. It’s a stranger. I woke up feeling low to be honest, and a little bit dirty. Luckily he had an early meeting to get to, so there was no awkward hanging around. He left before everyone else was up.
I then went back to bed and just zoned out completely. I felt awful, I still love G and wanted so much for it to be him I wake up too. I also couldn’t help but think about the fact that he has been doing that with S for ages now. And he obviously doesn’t care. He obviously doesn’t think of me when waking up next to S, he doesn’t wish it was me, and that hurts. It hurts that I’m stuck thinking about him, stuck loving him still and he doesn’t feel the same. He’s moved on.

I spend the day feeling low, but cheered up by my friends. Plus it was the Oscars tonight and we were having a night in with food and drink to watch them live. In LA for the Oscars… One day I’ll be on that red carpet for real.
I said at the start of the evening “would you ever go out there to present an award and purposefully say the wrong name to see what would happen!?”
IM SORRY… I JINXED IT. It was me!
How bloody cringe to watch it live though… We were all grabbing each other say no. No. No no no. at the TV.
By the time the evening came round I cheered up, took last night for what it was and just forgot about it. If I can, I need to stop linking everything to G, I’m doing things now for me, they aren’t related to him.

The guy kept messaging the rest of the holiday, and I replied, but in the end I had to be honest with him, tell him where I’m at and that I really can’t jump in to anything right now. I had to keep him on the same page. He understood and thanked me for my honesty.
At the end of the day I’ve learnt to keep up communication with everyone about everything, it’s the only way. You have to be honest. No one can disrespect you for that.

My whole time in LA was magical… I really really can’t tell you how much I needed it. Needed that distance, that time, those people, the FOOD! It worked wonders. Sitting on Malibu beach looking out to the huge ocean, and on top of the hill by the Hollywood sign looking out over the LA skyline was so calming, and life assuring. Wanky, but true. Look at how much life there is out there, the amount of world I haven’t seen or explored yet, the people I’m yet to meet… Life can’t stop there… I haven’t come this far to come this far! Let’s do this. Let’s live.
I need to ride this feeling all the way home and keep it with me.
But I’m a huge sufferer of holiday blues, so I doubt I’ll manage too.

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