Woke up and broke down.
Uncontrollable crying… The silent ugly cry. No pretty. We’ve all been there. Red in the face, puffy eyes, wanting to scream but nothing coming out but a squeak.
It’s all the same old shit, I miss him so much, I feel like I need to speak to him, I’m scared of getting hurt again, of finding out more of the truth, but I want to speak to him before S gets here for a month. It’s all one big vicious cycle, and nothing’s going to help unless I break it.
I speak to my mum through tears and she thinks that maybe now is a good time to speak to him, I can’t feel any worse, I’m rock bottom. She leaves for work and I’m alone… Cue whaling crying. Really fucking dramatic.
I text some friends saying I’m thinking of contacting him. A few agree, a few don’t thinking I should stay strong. But I just feel this build up in me that I think will continue until I see him and seek closure. This is the first time I have literally ‘burst out’ crying. I’m so full of emotion, I’ve tried to be strong and carry on but it’s now got to a point I can’t keep it in anymore.
I start to write him a letter. It’s not a rant, it’s not having a go at him. It’s a love letter.
It’s everything i think about him in a positive light, why I’m attracted to him, why I love him, what I’m proud of, listing his amazing characteristics.
If he thinks for one second I didn’t love him then this proves him wrong. I hold my hands up and say I’m not the most articulate in expressing my feelings, but in this letter I’ve laid it all out. It’s all there in black and white, 6 A4 pages of handwriting. My feelings. My heart.
He can do what he wants with it, he can chuck it, burn it, cherish it. But he can never say now that I didn’t love him, because that is a lie.
After I wrote it I picked up the phone, and called him.
This will be the first time in over a month we have spoken. First time, since he text saying he was jetting off to Mexico with S and he’s sorry but he feels he has to do it and ‘I love you’.
I’m done with messages, I’m almost done with phone calls… I want face to face contact from now on. Where I can see and read the other person. So much can be misconstrued in a text or email.
Hence why I call.
He will have a missed call on his phone and get back to me. It’s 12:30, he is probably at college teaching.
I head into town to meet friends.
First my ex housemate, G’s current housemate. She tells me G is hardly ever in when they are, he’s been at the college most days and filling up his time, distracting himself. She said he’s not said anything about S and hasn’t spoken about it at all. We discuss the fact S is meant to be coming over two weeks early which means this weekend and that G would let him stay in the house (the house I decorated!) but that he hadn’t mentioned a thing about it. We assume he has the decency to tell his loggers, and my friends, if his adulterous new boyfriend was coming to stay, but he hasn’t yet. So many he’s not staying, or at least not coming this week. Who knows what’s going on.
I then bump into G’s best mates. Who said they had just been talking about me… I thought I felt my ears burning. We went for a catch up. I haven’t seen his best mate ‘A’ since before he went on holiday. He brought me up to speed. Said he and another friend really went hell for leather on G, telling him he has gone about this a terrible way. Apparently he held his hands up and said he’s fucked up, he knows he’s gone about it in the worse way possible and feels awful.
‘A’ said that they are now together, and seeing how it goes. Taking day by day, whenever they see eachother, but haven’t thought about it logistically. Have spoken about getting work in New York or London but not really decided anything. They still have 2 months in Canada to be together.
Hearing all this doesn’t come as a surprise, deep down I knew it, but it still crushes me. And I start to cry again. In front of his mates. I think they are shocked to see me like this, and it even hits home to them what he’s done and how much it’s hurt me.
They speak about how they really don’t want to speak to G about S, or even meet him. And how if that’s said to G it might shock him into thinking about what he’s done.
They also think it might be a good thing for him to see me in this state. Face up to what he’s done, and bring him back in the room, back to reality.
He’s escaped easily so far.
They assure me that they care and love me, and that I’m as much their friend as G is. And they want me to be in their lives.
I head to work for my box office counselling session, God love him!
And he puts everything into perspective. He supports me in my choice to contact him and meet him, but advises me to go in there strong and calm. I can cry and show emotion, but I’m not there to argue, or talk dirty about anyone. I mustn’t give him ammo to use on me. I go in, hear what he has to say. If he says “you made me feel…” I stop him and say no, I can’t make you feel anything, you are laying the blame on me and I’ve done nothing wrong. If he tells me how I feel, again I stop him and say with all due respect you have no idea what I feel, and no right to tell me how I feel, THIS is how I feel and what you’ve just said is a lie. You now know how I feel about you, I love you, and you can’t lay any blame on me or that.
I will ask for the truth, full truth. Nothing less.
I will not prolong the meeting. Once everything is said, I will end it. I’ll hand him my letter and I will leave. That will be it.
I have no doubt it will be hard, and I will find it harder than him for the next couple of months, but I will get through it.
The support from this place is magic.
I leave and have dinner with my best friend. We finish as 9pm. I still haven’t had a call back from G. I called him at 12:30pm. Fuck it, I call again.
He picks up. He’s sheepish. Either he had company or is just being quiet for no reason.
He gives me one word answers.
I said I tried to call earlier but you must have been busy at college.
He says he didn’t notice I tried to call, it’s bad reception at the college. Bullshit.
I said we should meet. He replies ok.
I say Sunday. Ok
At 1pm. Ok.
See you centre of town on Sunday at 1pm. Ok.
Great, bye then. Bye.
I think he’s in shock. Doesn’t know what to think.
Well that’s that. It’s all coming to a head on Sunday.
I feel strangely confident.