March 6th 2017 – Why do I want to run back to the one thing that’s caused all this pain?

I broke down last night. I had this overwhelming feeling of missing him, and wanting to talk to him. I have no idea what I want to say, what good going over things would bring but I actually just want a hug. I need some comfort from the person who brought all this pain.
Why is that? Why do I want to run back to the one thing that’s caused all this pain?
Because before all this he was my world. I love him so deeply, and this made me realise it even more.

I’m stuck between and rock and a hard place!
I want feel so low and want to talk to him, get some sort of comfort from him, but on the other hand I’m scared to talk to him and get hurt more. I’m scared I’ll find out more. I’m scared that he’ll say sorry etc but that he will still stand by his decision, and once again I’ll be left alone.

I know I shouldn’t talk to him, I know I need to get through this alone, be strong. But I’m so tired of being strong. I think this is where my little breakdown has come from tonight. I’ve settled back into reality and its hit me, that although I escaped it for a little while, it’s all still here. I still have to go through it. Still have to think about him, wonder if I’m going to bump into him in London, and S for that matter.

I’m trying so hard to distract myself, but then I remember the reason why im distracting myself…Him. It all comes flooding back.
I’m constantly checking my phone to see if he’s tried to make contact.
Why hasn’t he? I think he thinks he’s being respectful and giving me time. But if you were that sorry and cared I’d be trying to get through to that person, I’d be trying to prove it. Maybe he isn’t bothered at all. Maybe he is happy to be rid of me, now he is free to jump into a relationship with S.

My mum stays up with me to talk through it all. She can’t see why I would want to talk to him, but it’s easier to say that from the outside with no emotional connection to it. She hates him. And that hurts me. I love him and want my family to like him, but he’s ruined that. Why don’t I hate him? Is it because I’m still blaming myself?

I went to see Beautiful The Musical tonight, it was brilliant. But a lot of the songs are about Carole’s relationship with her husband. Made me relate to it a lot. It was hard to watch sometimes, but I just embraced it. Maybe that’s why I feel low. There seems to be reminders everywhere. I wish I could just flick a switch and forget it all!

Ps. THE Carole King made a surprise appearance at the end and sang ‘You’ve Got A Friend’. Incredible. Very lucky to have caught that.


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