March 7th 2017 – This will be the making of me.

Feeling low from the night before.
I need to get out if this negivitive space and start to focus my life.
I’ve arranged a initial driving lesson with a new instructor, as I had to stop with my old one due to having to move out if G’s. I haven’t driven in 3months so I’m worried about being rusty.

My new instructor was so welcoming and relaxing. He was impressed by how much I knew and how easily it came back. So was I!! Muscle memory is a great thing. It’s because if G I’ve started to drive, he bought me my initial lessons for my 30th, but I carried them on and paid for the rest. So it’s bitter sweet to get behind the wheel again. But I’m determined to do it, I can’t wait to pass. My long term aim is to pass to be able to drive when I go back to LA. That’s the goal. And I will thank G when I’ve passed… Without him I wouldn’t have done this myself.

I head to town for the gym and then coffee with a mutual friend. I love this girl, she’s so much fun and totally up my street. We catch up about each other’s travel adventures and then catch up of the G situ. She, like most people, think I’m playing it completely right… Take the higher ground and try as hard as you can not to think of G and S, and move the hell on. As much as I agree there is something in me that needs to hear this from the horses mouth, I need to hear it’s over and that there is no chance of us working out. I should be able to determine this on my own, but some cruel part of me wants to put myself through more pain. Want him to actually see the hurt he has caused… See it in human form, see it on my face. He hasn’t had to face me and the reality of the pain I’ve been through yet. In protecting myself ive made it so fucking easy for him. I should have to look in my eyes and see the pain, see the person he has loved for 7 years and how much hurt he has caused that person.
But I’m scared.

I head to see another free show tonight, Seventeen. About a bunch of seventeen year olds after passing exams all played by 70 year olds. The set a playground with massive climbing frame, and swings. I’m impressed by the energy and fearlessness of the actors, climbing, jumping, dancing, drinking, kissing, crying. It was a roller coaster. It was great. And it made me cry twice.
I find my emotions have opened up so much after this whole break up. I use to hold things in, not let things effect me so much. I rarely cried. But now I cry at anything. It’s not like me. But I’m embracing it… Why not!? I need to let it out. Holding it in will be worse in the long run.

I meet my friend who was in the cast after, we haven’t see. Eachother in years. After a play we did together that was awful… You win some you lose some.
She asks me what’s happening with me and I explain. She couldn’t believe it. Head in hands, covering her face, in shock. It was lovely to speak to someone who isn’t involved at all. Doesn’t really know him, hasn’t been around for all of it. Plus someone who is that bit older. Lived through enough to have seen this all before.
It’s so good to talk to as many people as possible. The advice, the reassurance, the support from everyone is so comforting. I get the urge sometimes to pick a stranger next to me on the train and just ask advice, just to see what they would say and if without knowing me or G it would be the same as my friends. Maybe one day. It would be interesting.
She says keep on the path I’m on. I’m being strong, and that I’ll get over it and become stronger. She thinks this will be the making of me.

Actually, so do I!


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