March 8th 2017 – I might have to bite the bullet and make contact.

This feeling of wanting to talk to him and find out information is growing daily. I might have to bite the bullet and make contact. Maybe I need to hear it face to face that it’s over and go through that pain to recover fully.
I can’t help but think it will help and release him more from his feelings than it would me.

I have a corporate role play season today which is needed for the money.
Two of my mates who I went on the LA trip with are doing it too, so it’s nice to share in the holiday blues. I talk over my want to contact him, and both have a different view. One thinks I shouldn’t, I should stay strong and that it won’t help. The other thinks maybe I should if the want isn’t going away, maybe it’s what I need.

Thing is I have a small window to decide as S is coming to London for a month before they go to Canada. I either speak to him before he comes to stay, or I wait until July to speak to him when he gets back. By then I might be totally over it, or I might be holding on to this for months.

I meet up with another mutual friend of ours after my role plays. This is the thing, after 7 years we have so many mutual friends now that it’s hard not to put anyone in the middle. I suppose I’ve arranged this coffee because I’m hoping he can shed some light on where G is.
He says he thinks he’s alright, seems in a good place, but that he really hasn’t spoken to him about it because he is both our friends.
As we talk more he seems to think him and S are still on, that he feels G used S as a reason to break up with me. I can see this… I can see how maybe he was too cowardly to just break up with me because he wasn’t feeling it anymore, so he created a situation that would force us to break up.
Our friend said that he doesn’t think G is thinking of logistics of how it would survive between them, he’s just riding this wave of feeling good. It’s total distraction.
I explain how unfair it is for him to land me in some much shit and go off and be happy, move straight on and pretty much forget about me. How can they start a relationship through cheating on their partners? What trust will be there?
He said in all honesty he thinks it won’t work out between the them, but at the end of the day I need to not think of them, and treat it as if they deserve each other. I deserve better. He says I need to focus on the fact he has treated me so badly, and realise I don’t need or want that.

It’s so hard when you are in love with the person.

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