A day has gone by since I saw G. Yesterday I distracted myself with seeing friends and heading to work. I thought yesterday would be hard as I knew S was arriving for the first time. But today I’ve woken up and once again broken down.
The thought that S had his first night in my bed, on my side of it, having G to spoon, to kiss, to fuck. Sitting in the rooms that I decorated.
It all hit me. And it crushed me.
Someone was living in my life, the life I still so badly want.
I spent all morning crying my eyes out, uncontrollably.
I get a call from a friend , a friend of G’s that’s now a friend of mine. Throughout it I’m crying, I don’t fight it, but at some points, as she’s talking, I’m having to hold my hand over my mouth to stop me screaming in pain. She’s saying all the right things, that I must look after me, G is not my concern now and to let her look after him and the issues he is going through. But it’s killing me how much I want to be there, with him, for him. But someone else is.
I could sit all day and wallow in it, but I’m scared. I haven’t done that at all through this whole break up. It’s what I probably need, but I’m scared that I’ll slip into a dark place and not be able to get myself out of it. So I get ready and leave the house.
I head to my friends flat in London. She’s looking after a two month old puppy, so we go out to lunch and talk him for a long walk. Bit of a cliche but puppies are a great distraction.
But puppies are for life, not just a break up!
We end up back at her flat and I break down again.
I’ve honestly never felt so low, so depressed where I simply cannot shake it off. This seems to be a permanent thing, and it’s not going anywhere fast.
I’m grieving. I’ve never really grieved as an adult before. Never lost someone so close to me that it pains me so much, rips out my heart and has scattered my emotions all over the place. This is a strange and new feeling. It’s scary.
I have to leave to meet other friends for drinks in the evening. I feel so tired, and if I could, I’d cancel and go home. But I’ve not seen these guys in ages and feel like I have to go.
It was lovely to see them. We all sat round and caught up. They all knew about my situation but not in detail. I think they were afraid to ask. Which on one hand was nice, I could just sit back and make mundane small talk, but on the other hand I was screaming on the inside… IM IN PAIN. IM DEPRESSED. G IS WITH ANOTHER MAN. HES SLEEPING IN MY BED RIGHT NOW.
I wanted so much to scream it from the roof tops and get it out. Nothing is normal to me. I can’t just sit there and make small talk about people’s lives and pretend mine is ok. I can’t mask it. I’m not strong enough.
This feeling is driving me crazy, and it’s worse when I don’t have a distraction like shifts at work. It makes me scared to be alone. I don’t trust myself to spend days shut away in my bedroom. I can’t bring myself to sit and watch Netflix all day when I know he’s out there getting on with his life. If he is, then I should.
It was lovely to see them, but I make my excuses learn and leave. I need to be home. I need my bed. I’m so tired and emotional drained I can’t function, and I’m not great company.
How on earth will I get through this?
I know I will. But I have such a dark cloud over my head I’m feeling so lost in it all.
Fuck me, whatever you do, don’t fall in love.
And if you do, make sure it’s with yourself!